This was in my draft folder. It’s from January 17, 2013. I forgot which boy sparked this, but I’d still like to find them and punch them in the face.
The other day one of my friends, who is a boy, decided to give me his list of things he was looking for in a woman. My “you have got to be kidding me” face must be a little bit rusty, because I had to listen to his short list. The first one was that she had to love God most of all. Good so far. The second one was that she has to be good looking.
I felt my heart shatter into zillions of pieces and I wanted to cover my ears and my heart and say “YOU ARE MAKING SO MUCH WORK FOR GOD RIGHT NOW!”
And it’s true. I went home and pondered these things a little bit, remembering other times when my Christian guy friends have said they only date “really hot” girls or things like that, and I’ve had to sit there nursing my wounds and saying “…but I’m a good person!”
Because here’s the thing, and this isn’t a pity party, it’s the truth. I’m not a physically beautiful person. I was going to list of some reasons why, but really that’s a snowball waiting to avalanche. It’s not that I think I’m ugly or anything.. I’m just not beautiful. Whatever, life goes on. Some people aren’t tall, but there’s no sense in beating yourself up over it, right? It just is what it is.
But here’s the thing. Awhile ago, I had this really frustrating night where I realized that I had been letting my text messages with one of my friends get too flirty. I was riding a shallow wave of ego stroke and I knew I needed to get. out. I told Brittany that if I get married, she needs to tell my person about how carefully I guarded myself, sometimes inconveniently so. At some point, the thought of “wherever he is..” came up, and I said “just my luck he’s probably messing around with some stupid girl right now.”
I recapped all of this to Hilary, who pointed out to me…
that maybe he is doing the same thing. You know, fearing the same thing about me.
Anyway, I was thinking about that. The whole.. maybe there is hope thing.
and as I was praying for God to help restore the way I see myself and heal the hurts caused by the careless words of boys I know, I realized that whoever God has for me..
isn’t going to have some dumb list that includes something about my appearance. They are going to be concerned with the eternal, more important stuff. The stuff that makes my soul more like Jesus, you know? The stuff that will remain even if I get caught in a fire and lose the skin on my face or if I get some big scar on my cheek or something.
Well, I think you’re beautiful inside and out! BUT I think the list-making thing is absurd in general, especially if ‘super hot’ or whatever is on it! There should be no list. Of course, certain things are necessary (like respect/kindness) but they don’t have to be on a list. Too many requirements and expectations means they’ll never find someone or when they do they’ll never live up to their expectations.
i think there are non-negotiables… like for me, if there was someone who HATED kids, i wouldn’t be able to build a relationship with them, no matter how cool they were in every other aspect, you know? but you’re so right about the expectations part. i think it’s good to have kind of broad non-negotiables and be really open to the other stuff. <3
Oh honey. But you ARE beautiful – in more ways than I can count. Just ask Jesus. <3 He made you, fearfully and wonderfully, and there's a guy, who, in His timing, will see you, inside and out. REALLY see you, not just look at you. Besides. Any boy who looks at you and doesn't see true beauty when he's looking at it is dumb. Love you girl!
THANKS <3 i don't find a whole lot of value in external beauty, so it doesn't feel really like a huge deal to say i don't think i'm physically beautiful – it doesn't really matter that much to me in terms of my personal self-worth, it's just frustrating because these are christian guys who love the Lord and are caught on something so unimportant. but whatevs that's why i don't want to date any of those guys haha ;D
Men. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.
It frustrates me that beauty still plays such an important role in a woman’s life. There are so, so, so, so many things I would rather be called before I would pick beautiful. I find that a lot of men don’t really get that– whenever they shower me with compliments about my appearance (not that that happens very frequently, but still) and I am disinterested and irritated with them, they’re usually offended and haughty over it. Have you ever seen The Swan Princess? One of my favorite childhood movies, and there’s a line in there that’s always resonated with me. “Is beauty all that matters to you?” “…What else is there?” Ha! But also, UGH.
For what it’s worth, from the short amount of time I’ve been following your blog, I do think you are beautiful on the outside, but on the inside you are smart, passionate, thoughtful and kind, and those things are SO much more important than beauty anyway.
JENNIE!!! <3 i know, right?!? as i was kind of resting in the comments i received on this post and thinking about dating and life in general and stuff i was like… man being a girl is so hard sometimes. we have so many expectations of ourselves and people care about really stupid aspects of our existence, like the genetic makeup that causes us to have a certain face or not. ughhhh.
and samesies!!! i dated a boy who ALWAYS told me i looked beautiful and i was like "uhhhh okay….. but what about that really cool idea i just spent 10 minutes telling you about? tell me how awesome that was!!" ahha. i definitely value someone appreciating my thoughts and ideas more than thinking i look nice while sharing them.
and thank you for your words <3 <3 <3 <3
I love your how positive you are here. You are right, the person meant for you will think you are perfect in every way. You are such a good person! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
I LOVE YOU KATIE!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! <3
“I realized that whoever God has for me.. isn’t going to have some dumb list that includes something about my appearance.” amen!!! there are a lot less stupid boys in the world… so sometimes the stupid ones make you think they are all like that. but there are still some boys left with a brain! haha!
and…your heart makes you beautiful. the way you care about other people & remember little details about them… that is beautiful!
the hope of the lot less stupid boys in the world is what keeps me going…. haha jk. thank you for loving me <3
i think you forgot to sprinkle in the pat sayings and oft-quoted verses on how beauty is fleeting, and i definitely would have included the vindictive “hope your HOT GIRLFRIEND goes bald at 40! can’t wait to see you two together then!” (too far?) anyway, amen and amen. this anti-pity-party, why-focus-on-beauty post is exactly where it should be: published and not in the drafts folder 🙂
bahahahahhahaha because they’re my friends, i really do hope that they find more than just physical beauty, you know? one of my friends who said he only dates really hot girls is a really lonely guy, and at times i’ve wanted to be like “feel this depth of our relationship, how you are open with me and we talk about important, life giving things? look for this in a girl.” not saying to pick ME, but you know… i want to rest well knowing that my guy friends are being loved and cherished by girls who see how valuable they are. woah. that’s a weird way to look at it, because usually that’s a feeling i reserve for my girl friends. weird.