By the time we celebrated our first wedding anniversary, our relationship had been through

• a shooting
• a car wreck
• 4 job changes
• 4 deaths of people we love
• an overdramatic hospital visit to get my gallbladder removed
• our lovely little apartment leaking on us… a lot

I’m a huge fan of coffee mugs. Every morning when I stumble blindly to the kitchen to grab something to pour my coffee into, I carefully think through what mug I want to use. What vibes with my day, encourages my heart or reminds me of someone I love?

Really I only have access to like 2 rows of mugs because I am not about to climb on a step ladder and reach for the other ones at this point.

This morning I woke up and looked at my Poshmark balance. You know, my income.

Let me be really real with you. This is how my summer has looked, income-wise:

It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.

Remember how one of my goals was to save $1,000? At this rate, I won’t even profit $1,000 this month. I thought last July was my worst Poshmark month of all time, but August 2019 is shaping up to hold that prize.

This morning I waddled out of bed, feeling really discouraged. I walked to the kitchen, opened the mug cabinet and started scanning the options of mugs I can reach. and there, tucked behind another mug, I saw the perfect mug for today.

What would Elle Woods do?

Elle Woods, my bad-a fictional hero, is no stranger to obstacles and making a way when there seems to be none.

Very pleased with my decision, I found my glasses and got to work channelling my inner-Elle Woods on a day I’d honestly rather lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. This is what would Elle Woods do looks like for me today:

• Tithe
  Last week it occurred to me that we’ve only been tithing on Justen’s income. Yesterday I deposited a $219 check from Poshmark, so even though money feels tight and my income non-existent, I made my first tithe on that little check. If I can build the habit of weekly tithing on my income while my income is small, how much easier will it be when it resumes normal operation?

  I also feel like tithing is an investment in God’s creativity. Who better to invest in when I’m feeling tired, worn out, burned out and stuck?

• Think outside of the box
  I have a second Poshmark closet for higher priced items, and I recently became a Poshmark Ambassador on that closet (it basically says you’re an active Poshmark user who has had great sales and made purchases) and with that, I have the opportunity to participate in Poshmark campaigns that make $10 each. I linked a random Instagram account I never use, and I’m planning on running those campaigns to make an extra $20.
• Work
  Right now, there’s just so much I can do with my Poshmark closet. I have literally run out of room to store clothing. I have bags of clothes in our apartment and in my car that are listed but haven’t sold. There’s a part of me that’s like “well, what else can I do?” but after thinking outside of the box, I see that there is SO MUCH I can do. I just need to think creatively and keep showing up.
• Clean up
  Last night I made cookies, and the dishes are still in the sink. We did laundry, which is still on the couch. I have way too many unused beauty products in the cabinet. There are little things that suck my energy, make me feel like a failure, and overall just weigh me down. After pouring my coffee, I went through some of my beauty products and gathered a small pile of things to sell on the internet. I got a little distracted with blogging and such, but after I hit “publish” on this post, I’m tackling all the cleaning.
• Chin up
  That in-bed pity party I was tempted by earlier won’t make me any money. It won’t give me purpose, it won’t lay the foundation for me to crawl into bed tonight and feel like I was a good steward of my time. There’s only so much I can control, and it all starts with my attitude. So here I am, one homemade lavender vanilla almond milk mocha later, grateful for the challenge and creativity to pave my own way. Listening to upbeat music on Spotify, feeling grateful that the struggle and stress of being self employed far outweighs the anxiety I felt every day working for a limited, hourly paycheck.
• Get dressed
  This one is about to happen, but I had this massive surge of energy that resulted in me at the table with my coffee while still in my pajamas. But waking up and getting dressed, even if I’m the only person that sees, helps my productivity, the direction of my chin, and feeling like a productive member of society, even when sales are slow and I’m feeling lost/confused with my purpose.

It’s just a little coffee mug, but man it really can steer the direction of my day. Anyone else feel a connection to coffee mugs like this?

We’re not on Whole 30 and we haven’t been on Whole 30 for… like two years. But whenever we’re looking for a new recipe, we tend to search “Whole 30” and then the thing we’re looking for. Whole 30 chicken recipes, Whole 30 taco recipes, etc. If we discover something that is 1. easy and 2. Whole 30 compliant, then we know we can make it a part of our lives on the regular and not feel bad about it. Enter these Whole 30 compliant cinnamon apples.

Honestly, I found this recipe years ago when I was babysitting a little boy who ate a LOT. I wanted to make him something easy and tasty. Since then, this has been a staple in our house AND is often requested by kids I babysit for.

Get ready because it’s the simplest.

Three ingredients for these Whole 30 compliant cinnamon apples:

1 apple, diced.
Coconut oil
cinnamon

Optional, non-whole 30 ingredient:
Coconut milk vanilla ice cream

STEP ONE: Put a scoop of coconut oil in a skillet and heat on medium.
STEP TWO: While that’s heating, dice the apple(s), preferably with two super funny, cute kids to keep you company.

STEP THREE: pour diced apples into the skillet. Move around occasionally.

STEP FOUR: When the apples start getting a little mushy, sprinkle cinnamon all over them. Cook for another minute or so.. or really however long you want.

STEP FIVE: Dish up! They’re so delicious on their own OR you can add a scoop of your favorite vanilla ice cream (that part is not Whole 30 compliant!).

Enjoy 🙂

In the months leading up to our wedding, I started really thinking about the whole better or worse thing.

I thought about our friends whose baby was stillborn.

I thought about my friend who loved and served his wife until the succumbed to cancer.

and the whole “worse” thing took center stage.

My wedding weekend was really tough for me. In addition to being knocked over and off my feet by a huge wave of grief, I kept thinking… this declaration and ceremony is BIG. I couldn’t just stand there and think of some house with a white picket fence and 100% healthy children and a long life. I stood there and thought… what if I have to wipe your butt in 7 years? What if our dreams shatter right before our eyes? What if we deal with a loss that threatens to drive us apart? THAT is what the day was about for me. The hard, the unimaginable, the “worse.”

As my friends were grieving and I was still distracted by the sparkly ring on my finger, I kept thinking “did they imagine AT ALL that THIS would come? did they think the worse would be THIS WORSE?”

Right now we’re going through our own season of “worse.” It’s nothing super traumatic. It’s not cancer or an empty nursery. It’s just stressful and hard. The past 24 hours, I’ve cried more than I have the whole year, I think. Year being like 2019, not calendar year, to keep it in the right perspective.

I did that super girl thing where I looked in the mirror when I got a wave of calm (why do we do that?) and as I stood there, watching fresh tears fall down my sad little face, I suddenly remembered a moment of our wedding.

There was a lot I let other people choose. The flowers. The food. The date. But the one thing I had to have my way was the music. I walked down the aisle to By Two by Dave Barnes (sung by one of best friends, Ernie). We walked out to Ever Ever After from Enchanted (don’t judge me). and during our communion, our friend Tyler sang I’m In His Hands, by my friend Phil. It was the best way I could think to reconcile the promise of the “worse.” When that wave rolls, there’s something more and bigger than Justen and I.

I will not fear, though the darkened clouds may gather ’round me.
I trust the One who whispers “Peace.”
Although the wind and waves may threaten to confound me,
He walked upon the raging seas. He still can calm the storm in me.

I cannot see in the night that lies before me,
but I hold the hand that made the stars. …

I’m in His hands, whatever the future holds, I’m in His hands.
The days I cannot see have all been planned for me.
His way is best, you see. I’m in His hands.

I’ve mentioned that song before on my blog because that line about Christ straight up strolling across a stormy sea like it is nothing so of course the storm in my heart and in my head is not a big deal for Him to come in and conquer.

BUT. That’s honestly not what popped in my head as I stood there amazed that my normal eyes could magically transform into such a deep, scary pink color. Instead I thought of these OTHER lyrics.

“You don’t have to worry, and don’t you be afraid.
Joy comes in the morning, troubles they don’t last always
for there’s a friend named Jesus, who will wipe your tears away
and if your heart is broken, just lift your hands and say

‘I know that I can make it, with Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way, my life is in His hands.
With Jesus, I can take it. with Him I know I can stand.
No matter what may come my way, my life is in His hands.'”

Which of course made me think of the OTHER lyrics which then just made me start crying EVEN MORE (plus I was staring in the mirror which has like an 80% chance of making you cry again) because I realized that this is what I knew would eventually come. And all things considered…. it’s not cancer or death or anything that rips your heart out and makes it hard to breathe. It’s just a storm, and I know someone who is so unbothered by storms He can nap through them.

These “worse” and stormy seasons are held in holy, holey hands that sleep through, walk on, and straight up shush storms. and I think I’ve done a lot of looking for an umbrella and trying to find a life boat, instead of crying out to the person who is able to shelter and save me from the chaos.

Something I’ve realized is that we’re a society of people who curate and create a feed or timeline that often neglects to mention the things that are breaking our hearts. Not always to hide it, but sometimes because it’s not appropriate to share or we want to hold it close to us. But because of that, I know there are people whose social media presence show life is carrying on as normal but there’s a storm raging on beneath the surface. This is for all of us who fall in that category. <3