This year I finally sent out Christmas cards, and today I’m so excited to share with you what they looked like.
Brace yourself. It’s a candid photo but I think it really captures the Christmas spirit and the playful bond we have… our Valentine’s Day card didn’t really capture that.
Obviously I (attempted) to photoshop that.
But let me take a minute to be real…. after I share with you this John Mayer lyric.
I try not to be all ultra-whiny single person. I’m happy for my friends who are married and pregnant and stuff. But I want a freaking cool, printed Christmas card with my face. But sometimes my friends do that. They send me a Christmas card of just them. and I think…. this is so weird. It really is weird. And I’d like to not draw attention to the fact that I am single any more than I need to.
The other night I picked this bell ringer up and she started talking to me about if I was married or had a boyfriend or anything and I said no, and she told me I was WASTING MY LIFE AWAY. She seriously said that. and I laughed it off and continued to ask her about the fried chicken she had in her purse, but it hurt.
Later that night I was telling someone about how I have this fear of getting hurt. The context was in regards to like physical pain, but it’s even more true when it comes to emotional pain. I am terrified of being hurt. In the past I have let people in. and I’ve been guarded. and they’ve said “it’s okay, trust me.” and I will. and then you know what they’ve done? they have stepped on my heart and kicked it around and spit on it for good measure. and then I turn into this:
Seriously, when I saw that… I almost cried. because it’s so true for me.
So then Christmas rolls around and my normally guarded, strong heart starts to melt away because everyone’s posting about “Fun Holiday date nights!” and “cute gifts for your man” and then “everyone link up your Christmas cards!” and it’s like my weak spot has been exploited and suddenly I feel like I’m left out of a cool club and I don’t even know why.
and I don’t really know what the answer is. Celebrating singleness seems fake and shallow, especially during a time when it is such a huge, inconvenient bruise we keep bumping into things. But it also seems unfair to throw my wounded little heart a pity party, because the people who attend those seem to just bring gifts of bitterness and jealousy, and who wants that?
I guess it’s somewhere in the middle, being able to admit that I’d love the headache of what to buy the boy I love or choosing which picture to put on our Christmas cards… but also being able to admit that I wouldn’t trade the life I have for anything less than God’s best. and sometimes that takes a lot of pieces being put together – pieces that might not even be in my life right now.