whether we willingly admit it or not, we’re tired of waiting.
some of us don’t hide it well, but others of us are able to go days and weeks and sometimes months without having a moment where we stop and go  “when me, God?”
and i know that marriage is not going to be the end of any problems.
and often the people that dish out advice about being patient in the wait and giving it to God are people that got married at the age of 22.
and i am not some hopeless romantic princess in a castle waiting for prince charming to slay eighteen feet tall dragons with five heads.
but it is there. it comes up all the time.
all.
the.
time.
and i resolved awhile ago that i have one of two options: destroy my inner peace by fretting and hoping and worrying or i can surrender it all to God. and they are both ongoing choices, never really bringing much finality. but one brings me peace.
i’m reading this book called “authentic beauty” and it’s pretty good. and it’s challenging me. it’s asking me hard questions.
is Jesus the center of my life?
is Jesus my beloved?
i am so fraught with this realization that i assume everyone thinks i’m not {insert favorable word here} enough because i am not married. i am not smart enough, organized enough, pretty enough, funny enough, nice enough, selfless enough.. whatever it may be. part of that is me and i take ownership of that.
but part of that is everyone else.
“so what about you… found a boyfriend?”
“is your match in that group?”
“you know, i would like grandchildren…”
i am enough.
Jesus calls me enough.
and all of my days are held in his hands – held carefully, lovingly, gently in his hands. he protects them.
and all of the desires of my heart are laid bare to his eyes.
and all of my desperate cries for enough-ness are ringing in his ears.
so i am okay. there are worse things in life than being 27 {as of yesterday!} and unmarried. like 27, married and unhappy. or like 22 and dead.
sometimes i take my eyes off of Jesus and feel weight in my soul after a wedding or engagement or baby being born.
and other times my gaze is locked on Christ and nothing else – no biological clock or social timeline or friendly pressure – matters at all.
with that said. i had the privilege of witnessing two of my friends get married on sunday, and marriage looks good on them.
It doesn’t matter what it is, there’s always going to be something else. Â You’re single, you want a husband. Â You’re married, you want a baby. Â You’ve got a baby, you want a bigger house to live in. Â You’ve got a bigger house, you want more stuff to fill it with. Â In the end, all we can do is rely on God to be our ‘enough’, because this life and the stuff we fill it with will never EVER be enough.Â
And that is easier said that done.
maybe that’s what it means to be content whatever the circumstance; to rely on God to complete us and fill us up, whether that is physical or spiritual or emotional even? and i guess why do we always want more and something we don’t have? what is that desire, and is it the same thing that made eve and adam eat that fruit? to want more?
i love you and cannot wait to see you and discuss these things under the stars <3
I just now saw this reply to my comment, and smiled that we got so many chances to discuss life. Not under the stars, but cruising in the Astrovan. I love spending time with you. It is precious.
I could not have said it better myself, Stephanie. I think the difficult thing for me is that I know the desire for marriage is from God…He designed us that way. But, sometimes people’s comments make me feel ashamed of that desire. Like, “you should be content”, “trust God”, “In His timing.” So, if I have even one day where I struggle, does that mean I’m not trusting Him? You’re completely right…it’s an ongoing choice.
NAILED IT.Â
Stephanie, I hope you get this comment. It’s been awhile since you wrote this page. Anyway, when I was young and not dating, and I was “not dating” much more than I was “dating”, I thought about dating and marriage a lot. I believed that there was something wrong with me because men didn’t seem to be attracted to me. I am now 65 years old and have been in a relationship for the past five years. After something like 27 years without a date, I dated someone for a few times and it was a disaster. So I gave up and a few years later I started dating Charlie. It so happens that I became upset with him last evening and I still am not back to feeling good about our relationship, but I know it is one of the best relationships that I’ve ever had. At different stages in your life, you value different things. When I was young, even though I didn’t want children, I thought I should be dating and then get married. But I was also busy being involved in a lot of activities. The most important thing is to be with someone who is compatible and shares your values and whose purpose in life is somewhat the same as yours. Also, to be in a good relationship with yourself is essential, because if you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy with anyone else. I’m not happy with myself today, so I can’t appreciate this man who is in my life and has very few faults. I haven’t read your blogs enough to know what kind of person you are, but if you are at all sociable and involved in activities, or work outside your home, or go to church, there is a good chance you will meet someone. I think the only real advice I would give you is to make your life as happy as possible and even if you never find a mate, you will have a good life.