31 Days of Song {27/31} – Suicide Takes Way Too Long

Song #27 – Suicide Takes Way Too Long by The BGP

Like I wrote yesterday… there’s no way you should have expected to go through 31 different songs and not get mention of a BGP song. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a musician, you know the kind that just plays at random places. But I am a bit on the “fail” side of songwriting, and once decided that if I could ever have anyone write songs for me to play, I would pick Brandon Ghorley. Because I think he is a phenomenal songwriter.

So I have two long-standing favorite songs of The BGP. Suicide Takes Way Too Long and On My Hill. You know what I love about On My Hill? Freaking everything. But mostly I love the syncopated claps. and the chorus… “When I stand on my hill at the top, basically I like the view.” Yes.

But that’s not the song I decided to write about.

I’m not as open about this as I once was, but a substantial amount of my life has been spent battling OCD and the depression it causes. The hardest part of it all has been maintaining my faith in God, trying to figure out what the relationship between my faith and a mental disorder looks like. Trying to figure out the balance between “you just need to pray more” and “let’s try this combination of medications….”

One of the hardest things I’ve dealt with is the idea that there is freedom in Christ Jesus, and yet my OCD keeps me a prisoner in my mind. I am a liberated prisoner? How does one reconcile this?

I wish I could tell you about the countless times I’ve willed myself out of suicidal thoughts, how often I have successfully managed to stay alive.. but more often than not, I’ve spent my energy trying to will myself the courage to go through with it, to declare with noise and finality “I am hurting.”

But as the Apostle Paul wrote, to live is Christ. To die is gain. and so it is the grace of God and the whole strength-perfected in weakness thing that has kept me here on this earth.

and in those dark, empty moments, I would have never imagined being where I am. It’s been years since I’ve felt that lost. I still struggle with wanting to die, but not with wanting to do something about it. I want to live. I want to live in the dark scary moments so that the freeing, bright moments are even more precious. I want to live passionately to both extremes; suffering and celebrating. I want a life well-lived.

So now that I have told you that, can I just share with you the chorus of this song?

Suicide takes way too long
I just need to right this wrong
So despite these voices in my head
I think I’ll give it up to You

A few days ago, when I was writing about the song Lighthouse by Ernie Halter, I said this:

“…there is an amazing power when you hear a familiar speaking voice singing you words of comfort. It is a game changer.”

I think Brandon Ghorley is one of the most fantastic people I have ever had the privilege to know. He is passionate and he is daring and welcoming and kind. I admire him a lot. and to hear that voice singing words like that makes it extra-strong and extra-relatable.

and so even though “On My Hill” is a really fun song and I enjoy the syncopated clapping, Suicide Takes Way Too Long is the song I’ve gotta write about.

Suicide Takes Way Too Long @ the Q Cafe.

This is not the first time I’ve written about The BGP.  I wrote about them here and here.