11/04/2011 – imitation.

Last night at 11:45 pm, I had this incredible epiphany.
but the story really starts a few weeks ago.

My dad and I purchased this big, old, kinda ugly frame from the Habitat Re-Store a month or so ago:

It’s hard to tell because my camera sucks so much {it frustrates me nearly to the point of tears} but the inside was this strange light olive greeny color.

So anyway. I bought it and {naturally} had plans to paint it pink and figure out what to put inside of it and turn it into something above my bed. I’m not sure what pink, because I’m in this place of limbo between loving hot pink and light pink. I was going to buy a few bottles of acrylic paint, put a few quick coats on it and put it on my wall until I decide what I really want to do with it.

My dad said to ask the people at Michael’s. When I called him to tell them what they’d said, we got in a fight because I just wanted to do what I want to do and felt that my dad was saying I had to do what they’d said. When I told him this {after many exasperated sighs and short responses} he said,

Since when do you care so much what other people think?

and he laughed about that statement and I bought three bottles of pink acrylic paint. but I have been carrying that question around deep in my heart since then.

 

I have become incredibly captivated by people’s opinions of me and what they think. and a lot of me is suffering because of it. I read my blogs from 2006 and looked through my notebooks from 04-06 and the me in there seems so unself-conscious. My notebooks are full of questions, because there’s so much I don’t understand. Full of four word stanzas and lots of things crossed out and circled again and then crossed out again. Real stuff, things in progress, not held in due to imperfection.

Today I consumed an entire pot of coffee, all by myself. I feel like a freaking superhero, let me tell you that. So I did what I wanted to do, with no concern for what other people would say or think. and you know what I wanted to do? I easily spent 5 hours of my waking day sitting at the piano playing out every song I know by other people until I realized that there are songs inside of me waiting to be written.

I wrote songs about Harry Potter falling in love with a muggle {and almost literally fell to the ground in near hysterics when my thoughts were “he would show her magic / he pulled out his wand.” I seriously think I died of giggles. That’s where that ended.

Not only that, but I decided to make videos of two songs I keep playing a lot. Then I uploaded them to YouTube. I’m halfway to my end-of-the-year resolution to have 8 videos on my YouTube channel.

Watched last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I wish I could just get through one freaking episode without tears.

After posting this, I will hang up my laundry and read.

Also, that frame currently looks something like this:

I have yet to figure out what I will put in it. I basically just took everything from my wall and put it in the frame. some of it has fallen and yet I kind of don’t care much at all.