My friend Melissa caught this picture of me at our friends wedding. There was this big, beautiful field. The sun was slowly beginning to set. and I stood there, wind blowing through my hair and skirt, and took it all in. I’d hoped to invite a very special boy to this wedding, and had a few moments of feeling really empty as I kept realizing that not only was he not there, but he’d completely cut me out of his life.
Throughout this whole messy process of wading through the heart-pollution of someone rejecting my friendship, I’ve been really frustrated with myself. A couple of months back, my friend Al was in town. Back when the wound was still fresh. Between hugs, Allen told me, “You’re Stephanie. You’ve had your heart broken by a boy. And you’re going to survive.” He told me it was okay for me to feel all of the feelings I was feeling.
When iTunes radio had a first play station of his new album and I heard the song “Where You’re At,” I broke down in tears. I’ve claimed the words “keep your dirt on the surface and just love where you’re at” at the forefront of my mind ever since I first heard the song a month ago.
Sometimes I still get frustrated by my feelings, and I usually listen to this song and let myself cry out whatever random storm is passing through my life. I embrace all of my emotions – I embrace how desperately I want to send him a funny video, how mad I am for being so unkind, how loved I’ve felt in the wake of how he’s treated me, and how hopeful I am for whatever God is going to do with this mess.
Every day I shed a little more of the heavy feelings. Whenever I get frustrated that I still care at all, my friends remind me that when I feel anything, I feel it to the depth of my being. At our women’s tea, my pastor said that when I love, I love deeply… sometimes to my own detriment. Don’t worry, I cried about that one.
This is my theme song. My quiet little anthem for the days I kind of wish I could have left a mean note on his car or left 1-star reviews of his business or told everyone who knows him all that he’s done. But that’s not what a good woman does, right? 😉 Nor is it what I do. Instead I pick gentle anthems that help me treasure the tension.
I hope this song helps you embrace your messy.
I keep my dirt on the surface, so you don’t gotta dig.
The people that make me nervous try to hide all their sins.
and I’ve got no reason to cover my tracks.
The best part of learning is just loving where you’re at.
I wear my sins on my collar so everyone can see.
There ain’t no bother in spreading rumors about me.
I ain’t no angel, but I ain’t so bad.
The best part of learning is just loving where you’re at.
So love where you’re at.
love where you’re at.
Keep your dirt on the surface.
and just love where you’re at.
You are healing, sweet friend. It is all a part of the process, and God is restoring you. One day, all of this will be a distant memory, and you will be stronger for having walked it. God has an amazing guy waiting for you….then you will sing, “right is the pathway leading to this”. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us here. 🙂 Praying for you.
yes! some days it feels like i’ve taken fifteen giant steps backwards, but for the most part i feel like i’m really, truly embracing what God has done in my life over the past few months even though i’ve been hurt and confused. it’s finally starting to shrink in the rearview mirror of my life and for that i’m grateful. thank you thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. <3
Stephanie, this is beautiful and so honest. The song is prefect and I’m going to be buying the cd today. I’m always praying for your big heart (: you’re such a lovely person and I’d never want you to love differently. Loving that deeply is beautiful. Love you!
<3 love you love you love you. i hope you love radius <3
“that help me treasure the tension” “embrace your messy” Every epic phrase, and everything is so beautiful. You’re wonderful xx And you’re right. It’s so hard, but you’re such a better person when you can embrace everything about you and your life and your emotions.
!!! thanks!!! i’m so incredibly grateful for the way my friends gave me complete permission to feel whatever the heck i was feeling, and to feel it without excuse. it’s weird but it’s almost like the emotions were little tiny vehicles to get me from one point to another point in my journey out of the storm, you know?? <3
Yup, you sometimes definitely have to through the crap in order to even get the good haha xx
I need to remember to come back and listen to this song when I can! I love your positive attitude, and that you can find inspiration everywhere!
<3 thanks mattie!!!! i hope you got to listen to it. allen's from seattle!!
Love the tune, love you, love reading about your process. This is the important part; the part where you redevelop your strength and hope. It’s your time, kid!! You are handling it quite gracefully. I’m proud of you and the way you embrace your messy.
<3 thanks chanelle. and thanks for meeting me in the midst of my vulnerability and hurt. i'm ever so grateful for you, always.
Love this song/Love YOU.
I LOVE THE SONG AND I LOVE YOU TOO <3
Oh, you beautiful thing. I have many years this so perfectly describes … I can so relate to what you’re feeling. And yes, it’s such a gift that you feel so deeply (even if it may not always feel that way). Your friend Allen seems to be not only a great talent, but also a true friend. Sending you love. xx
Love this post.