People of the internet, I think we are friends. And you know what friends do? Friends like to show off their collections. So today, in honor of the first day of Valentine’s Day Week (I just turned it into a week-long celebration, sorry Scrooges!) I am going to show off my small collection of bad first dates.
#1. The Zoo.Â
I went on a date with this guy that I thought seemed absolutely brilliant. He worked with kids and music at his church (just like me) and he was really friendly and nice and so we decided to go to the zoo. He was late getting there and had a hard time finding parking, which I felt bad about.
After that, I proceeded to walk around the zoo for four hours essentially talking to myself and asking questions to a brick wall because he seemed annoyed by me. I honestly cannot tell you a SINGLE thing we talked about because I don’t think we actually talked about anything. I immediately drove to my friend Denise’s house to lament about this and she spoke some words of wisdom into my life, which I wrote about here. Seriously if that bad first date happened just so that I could hear the words Denise said to me…. totally worth it.
#2. Ruby Jewel.
So this guy had a speech impediment. and at first I was like “no way is this happening,” and then after I saw him opening doors for other people I thought… what if this is one of the greatest human beings that ever existed and I dismissed him because of something as stupid as a speech impediment? and then I decided to give him a fair chance.
But he blew it pretty quickly by first telling me that he dressed better than me (who says that to a girl 5 minutes into their first date?) and then it was all over when he told me that he hates poor people after I told him I work for The Salvation Army. He didn’t even apologize or try to change his words, he just continued to talk about how much he hated poor people. He tried to walk me to my car, and then he sent me a picture of puppies and I was ready to throw up on the next person who looked at me because UGH.
#3. Extracto
The actual first date of this one wasn’t that terrible. He dropped a few more cuss words than I thought were appropriate for a first date, but he seemed pretty nice aside from that. But then that night he called me and things got weird. He started telling me that he had wanted to hold my hand when he walked me back to my car and that he’d gone to a concert and wished I was there. and so I decided to just be straight forward and I pointed out that I am a youth pastor and am not interested in dating someone who does’t share the belief that true life comes from surrendering to Christ. I was totally prepared for him to not share that belief.
But I wasn’t at all prepared for him to tell me I was leading the youth of America astray and that I was hypocritical and judgmental and a mean person. After about 5 minutes of listening to that, I hung up on him. and then he took up the fight on text messages, which I never responded to. The next morning he apologized and said he had no idea what happened just that he’d sent some mean texts and thought someone had slipped something in one of his drinks. So there’s that one.
#4. Rimsky.Â
So at Rimsky they have these journals where people can write secrets. I spent the entire date looking through those notebooks and texting any phone number that had been left in them. My hope was that this quiet, awkward, shy human being who brought me to such an interesting place would be on board to care about other people’s secrets and want to know which boy the girl chose…. but he just sat there. and it killed me. We walked down to a park, which was more awkward. Then he had me walk with him to his car where he handed me hot pink flowers. Like… they were originally white but then they dyed the water neon pink so then there were these hot pink daisies.
and I hated them, and in that moment I hated the whole afternoon that I had to spend being watched but not engaged by another person, and I just got so mad in my heart. Five minutes later he texted me and asked if I even liked him and I just simply said “no.” That was the end of that. Does that make me a jerk?
#5. Savona
It was a nice day so we went on a walk. He asked if he could come by my church sometime. I said no. I stayed four feet away from him the whole time. Then at the end he did the most awful thing that someone could ever do. I was almost free, like hand on my car door about to get in, when he asked if he could give me a hug.
UGGGHHHH. Hugs seem  like such a not big deal. But it is PRESSING YOUR BODY AGAINST ANOTHER PERSON’S BODY. Hugs are REMOVING SPACE BETWEEN YOU AND ANOTHER PERSON. Hugs are a big deal, and if someone asks me for a hug I want to kick them. But he was a nice person. So I said okay and cringed and then got in my car ASAP and did what I do best… stopped communicating with him. We were friends on Facebook and he spent a long time commenting on everything I did and finally a year later I checked and he had unfriended me. I shed not a single tear.
Those are my 5 worst dates. I always got in my car angry at the whole process. But here’s the cool thing about the process: I’ve learned so much more about myself than if I had refused the walk around the zoo, the coffees or the ice cream. and for that, it’s been worth it.
I know there are people in the world who have had WAY worse first dates than me…. so it’s your turn, if you have one. I want to know all about it. I’m gonna go make some popcorn right now. 🙂
Those are amazing. I hate that you had to have them. I love the names you gave them. I have a few that stand out, but the two worst were where the guy picked a terrible restaurant, proceeded to verbally vomit about is ex fiance (we were only like 24…), how he got fired from being a youth minister when he came clean about his former drinking problem, and just tons of stuff that would have been ok… LATER. However, he took me to see the only solo show that the lead singer of one of my favorite bands ever did after the band broke up.
Second worst was the guy who was oblivious to the fact that we were taking up valuable table space at a restaurant and not ordering more and they waiter was trying to get us to leave. Like, order something else, take me somewhere else, or ask me out for later. He was surprised when I said no to a second date…
First/last dates are fun!!!!!!! Jk. But, I love the way you share them.
sarah, they’re actually the names of where we went! haha.
okay so why does anyone ever think it’s okay/smart to badmouth previous relationships on a first date? never okay!! and a guy being oblivious to the surroundings… oh gosh. so awkward. i wonder if the waitress felt awkward for YOU! ??
&& remember when you shared about how you weren’t dating your husband one christmas and were married by the next? i think about that often when i am struggling to surrender my dreams for the future. also…. i thought i posted this comment earlier but i guess i didn’t!!
I think I looked at numbers 2-5 and didn’t realize they were places! I would call verbal vomit guy Olive Garden, if he hadn’t outdone himself. For the guy who wouldn’t leave, I finally grabbed my purse, headed to the restroom, and came back and said that I wanted to catch the metro. He was legitimately surprised when I said no to a second date.
I will admit that waiting until I was 25 to find a boyfriend (who was 28) and getting married that quickly was never quite a plan. I went to a tiny college where you didn’t date unless you were going to get married–or everyone thought you were. During my first internship in DC, I had the advantage of being way outnumbered by the guys and there was a guy I went out with a lot (and some other guys, too), but something didn’t feel right when he wanted to be “official.” Then there were all of the first dates when I was in DC for two years. Either the guys I liked didn’t ask me back out, or I said no to the guys who did.
Also, once I got terribly sick, I really thought I would be alone (with a Shih Tzu) forever. I had resigned myself to having dogs forever, but I just had about 8 months of good health where I met my husband, who I was so comfortable around that I could have tics while we watched Arrested Development (the newest season had just been released). Most people can’t see my tics, but if your arm is around me, you can feel me tightening muscles. The first time he was like “what was that?” and I reminded him about my tics, he didn’t care. He wanted to take care of me. And I guess that’s how I was able to “take the plunge” so quickly!
Oh man.l… sometimes i think the best part of bad first dates is to show us how valuable we are…. like yeah we’d like to be WITH someone, but it’s better to NOT be with the wrong person, you know?
i love your story. and i have been meaning to e-mail you about something that’s been on my heart because i really want your input!! i’ll get around to it soon 🙂
oh wow. you have a knack for story telling! 🙂 these i bet were horrible to go through, BUT at least you can joke about them now & have funny stories to tell!
Ruby Jewel is my favorite. you gave him a chance!!!! and then he insulted you AND poor people!! although, extracto is just kinda crazy! yeah someone slipped something into your drink! wow.
what is Rimsky? sounds like a magical place!
also, i clicked on the Denise link and re-read that post…. you are 29?!?!?! how did i not know that?!
haha yeah. definitely have funny stories…. and got some free coffee/ice cream. aren’t these dudes crazy!?!?!? like… no wonder they’re single. bhahaha. i’m not quick to say that because HELLO i’m single too, but i’m single because my options… ARE FREAKING WEIRDOS!!!!!!
rimsky is a coffee/dessert place! it’s SO whimsical and the bathroom is ultra weird, too!! i’ve only been there that once because of the bad memories haha.
i’m ALMOST 30!!!! WEIRD, RIGHT!!??!?!?! i feel like i’m not actually an age, haha.
Whoa, that’s four more than I’ve ever had and it kinda makes mine not look so bad afteral. Of course that’s not to say I’ve had a billion wonderful first dates, I just don’t get asked out a lot haha
mine were ALL from online dates. i THOUGHT i’d done an okay job of screening out the crazies but OBVIOUSLY NOT!!! haha. i want to know about yours, though!!!!
My worst first date was a guy who took me downtown to get coffee (I thought we were just going to be hanging out on campus), then decided we should walk around downtown chatting, then took me out to dinner. he paid for everything and the whole date lasted about six hours. A guy I liked and a date like that sounds great, right? Well, two days later we hung out and he clarified to me that we were just friends. Apparently that wasn’t a date! You beget believe I asked tons of guys if they could give me a good reason as to how this other guy could think it wasn’t a date and no one could!
I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME ABOUT THIS!!1 oh man. boys are sometimes SUCH BIG MORONS. that guy needs a SERIOUS talking to. whatever happened to him? did he get married or anything??
Haha. Yeah, somehow he’s married now.
Wow… I’d consider taht a date. I agree with Stephanie on the “boys are sometimes SUCH BIG MORONS” commet hahahahahahaha
I love everything about this post. The first guy I ever kissed made me watch Sling Blade, and about 5 minutes in told me that if I looked up at him at any point he was going to kiss me. I LIVED IN FEAR THROUGH THAT MOVIE. Then he kissed me anyway and I wanted to vomit.
Another guy that I was best friends with kissed me so I drank a bunch of pickle juice and pretended to be sick for a month to avoid him.
And then one time I went on a date with this guy who had just gotten dumped by his girlfriend only I didn’t even know it was a date. I thought I was just there to help him get out of a funk. I didn’t realize anything was up until he showed up at my apartment with a bag full of stuff he’d bought me and told my roommates that he knew I was at home, because I hadn’t left all day. UM OKAY CREEPER BYE.
BAHAHAHAHAHA omg. that story about sling blade. i am actually laughing out loud. who threatens a girl like that? freaking weirdo. && i’m glad i’m not the only person in the world who will go to freaking extremes to avoid awkward situations, haha.
dudes are like martians sometimes i swear
So true!!
Haha I love this post. 🙂
hooray!!! hahahhaa i’m glad we can all laugh at my misfortune 😉
Great stories! I once met a guy on eharmony and he ended up taking me out to dinner. During dinner he told me that his life was similar to the movie “The Village”. I was not sure how to take that and I didn’t want to find out, so that was the last time I talked to him. I didn’t feel that bad because I got stuck paying for our dinner.
ummmm…..i have only seen “the village” once, but i cannot for the life of me figure out what he would mean by that! CRAZY GUY! bullet dodged FOR SURE. but you had to pay for dinner?!?! what the heck!!! at least you didn’t feel like you owed him anything!