“If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.â€
Sometimes I look at married people with big eyes and amazement. Marriage freaks me the heck out. I’ve told a few people of this ridiculous scenario that always pops in my head. In this scene, I am with my husband (whoever he is, but he usually looks like John Mayer) and we’re at Target. He holds up two shirts and asks which one he should get. I freeze and go “WHY DOES MY OPINION MATTER?” and I get all flustered and embarrassed that he’s asking my opinion and urgently tell him to just get which one he wants please. He asks which one would look better and I shrug and ask how I should know.
And that’s the moment I force myself to take my mind away from Target and the non-existent husband/shirt dilemma. I assure myself that in my terms for marriage I will write down “Do not ask me for help in picking out a shirt,” and this terrible moment will never actually come to be.
It’s not just this dumb Target thought that keeps me scared of marriage. Try going to a store with me. See how long it takes me before I wander off alone. Or go to the beach and try to keep me engaged in conversation. I guess I am a free spirit.
Did you ever see Tom & Huck? You know the one, with Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Tom Sawyer? There’s a line in there where Huck Finn says he is a free man… “Go wherever I want when I wanna go there, do whatever I want when I want to do it.” That is me. I say that to myself all the time, actually.
At the end of the summer, I had these few weeks where I knew nothing about the future. I had considered moving to New York or Nashville for the year. They both seemed cool and full of adventure. But there was a quiet, still voice called the Holy Spirit, who told me to commit and stop suffering my relationships for temporary existing. It was an easy decision early on, but it’s wearing thin.
Last night I was laying in bed looking at the stars (…that are taped to my ceiling… sigh) and I prayed that I would be okay. It is scary to love people, and we are moving beyond romantic love. It is scary to love people consistently enough for them to see your flaws, and not just in tiny glimpses but in full on tidal waves. It is scary to love people consistently enough for them to disappoint you, and then consistently enough that forgiveness doesn’t come easy.
But I am learning. It may not be committing myself to one person, but it is committing myself to one place, one group of friends, one community.. and while I am not completely forsaking all others, I am putting them on the back burner. It hurts, but I believe it will be worth it.