This year I finally sent out Christmas cards, and today I’m so excited to share with you what they looked like.
Brace yourself. It’s a candid photo but I think it really captures the Christmas spirit and the playful bond we have… our Valentine’s Day card didn’t really capture that.
Ha!
Obviously I (attempted) to photoshop that.
But let me take a minute to be real…. after I share with you this John Mayer lyric.
I try not to be all ultra-whiny single person. I’m happy for my friends who are married and pregnant and stuff. But I want a freaking cool, printed Christmas card with my face. But sometimes my friends do that. They send me a Christmas card of just them. and I think…. this is so weird. It really is weird. And I’d like to not draw attention to the fact that I am single any more than I need to.
The other night I picked this bell ringer up and she started talking to me about if I was married or had a boyfriend or anything and I said no, and she told me I was WASTING MY LIFE AWAY. She seriously said that. and I laughed it off and continued to ask her about the fried chicken she had in her purse, but it hurt.
Later that night I was telling someone about how I have this fear of getting hurt. The context was in regards to like physical pain, but it’s even more true when it comes to emotional pain. I am terrified of being hurt. In the past I have let people in. and I’ve been guarded. and they’ve said “it’s okay, trust me.” and I will. and then you know what they’ve done? they have stepped on my heart and kicked it around and spit on it for good measure. and then I turn into this:
Seriously, when I saw that… I almost cried. because it’s so true for me.
So then Christmas rolls around and my normally guarded, strong heart starts to melt away because everyone’s posting about “Fun Holiday date nights!” and “cute gifts for your man” and then “everyone link up your Christmas cards!” and it’s like my weak spot has been exploited and suddenly I feel like I’m left out of a cool club and I don’t even know why.
and I don’t really know what the answer is. Celebrating singleness seems fake and shallow, especially during a time when it is such a huge, inconvenient bruise we keep bumping into things. But it also seems unfair to throw my wounded little heart a pity party, because the people who attend those seem to just bring gifts of bitterness and jealousy, and who wants that?
I guess it’s somewhere in the middle, being able to admit that I’d love the headache of what to buy the boy I love or choosing which picture to put on our Christmas cards… but also being able to admit that I wouldn’t trade the life I have for anything less than God’s best. and sometimes that takes a lot of pieces being put together – pieces that might not even be in my life right now.
…but man.
The struggle.
So real.
That lady was SO rude! That would have hurt my feelings. How could she possibly know what God has in store for your life?! That you aren’t already making a huge difference in the lives on the people you already know? We are made for more than just being in a romantic relationship! During Christmas 2012, I was going on a few first dates here and there, but didn’t have a bf. I met the man I would marry 1 month later, so by Christmas 2013, we had already been married for over a month. Not only can things change quickly, but you are certainly not wasting your life! Perhaps that lady could use a copy of Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Life!
It also makes me wonder that if you had told the lady that you were married, but didn’t have kids, if she would have made a similar comment. When and if to have kids is just as personal of a decision as who and when to get married. I just can’t get over that she said that. I am so sorry for the pain that it caused you!
I don’t know if you’ve read this article, but it is SO good: http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/marriage-in-light-forever I know that “marriage” is in the title, but it’s about so much more than that.
sarah – thanks so much for your words. the other day I packed away my holiday decorations and I surrendered my heart again (it has to happen so often!) to the Lord and said “perhaps if it is what is best for me, I could be unpacking these in a different place with a different person who I maybe haven’t even met yet.” its an encouraging thought, both that life is moving forward AND that God has ALL OF THE MEN IN THE WORLD and cherishes me enough to not just put one in my path just to shut me up.
thank you for sharing that article!!! I need ALL OF THE REMINDERS I can get…. because sometimes marriage can so easily become an idol. thank you thank you THANK YOU for the encouragement. <3
your honesty is so refreshing, and you talk about a usually tip-toed-around topic so well. and i agree with sarah–that lady was such a jerk! although i’m married and joyful in where God has me, i also think about how much ministry i’m missing out on by not being single. if i were single i’d be 100% independent (except for being 100% dependent on God) and could commit to helping with different groups and planning teams and youth ministry functions without having to think of how my busy-ness could negatively affect another person. (not to make marriage sound terrible. just trying to be real.)
thanks! and yeah that lady… she actually ended up not working for us anymore because she was mean to everyone hahahaha. its too bad we cant all be single and married – once at my youth pastors lunch everyone was like “so what’s the hardest part about being a single youth pastor?” and I was like “I HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO!” I get in my car after dropping kids off, and I have nobody to talk to. nobody asks me how it went, nobody cares if a kid told me that they hate me or that the church is stupid… it’s just a lot to bear alone. and I have friends and stuff, but it’s just different, you know? there’s no win/win. OR both is a win/win. depending on how you look at it.
but I’ve often thought of all I get to do because I don’t have anyone else to consider, and I am grateful for where I’m currently at. it would be hard to trade it in. 🙂
How did I not know were a youth leader?! Debriefing youth/church events is actually one of my favorite things (I think people and church dynamics are so interesting), and my one youth leader friend and I specifically plan coffee dates so we can discuss how we thought the retreats/events went. (I’d love to hear how events went, so feel free to shoot me an email anytime haha). But I feel ya! My doing that with her is not the same as her going home to a husband who asks about how it went…
ALSO did a kid really say they hate you?!?! Haha I’m picturing a bratty, moody 7th grader getting all feisty as you generously give them a ride home. Anyway. I like that “they’re both a win-win” comment. I’m gonna stick with that 🙂
please tell me you really did send out some of those JTT ones! 🙂
the struggle IS real! and it’s such a tough spot because girls do long to be in a relationship and have the security of marriage… but at the same time you realize how awesome your life is & how many opportunities you have now that you won’t when you get married. it’s just one of those tough things about life that doesn’t ever get any less tough! praying for you during the Christmas season, friend!
thanks robyn…. I didn’t send those out, though I might do it next year haha. thanks for the prayers. I’m okay about it all for the most part – I think I want my cake and to eat it too haha. 🙂