31 days of waiting – when “wait” really means “no.”

We curled up on the couch and watched the Curious George Halloween special and then William decided he wanted to draw a Curious George game and Ellen was writing in the new journal I gave her.

William asked me, “do you want to help me make this game board?”

and I lied.

I said “sure, after I get your snack and fold these blankets. Then I’ll help you.”

Or… wait.

But then I remembered that I don’t really lie to William. He asks me if I’ll play the Wii with him and I say no. If he asks me if I want to push him on the swings and I really don’t want to, then I say no. Sometimes I say yes, when I really want to push him on the swings. But I don’t lie about it.

So then I had to admit that I had lied and explain to him that I wanted to just watch him make it and then have him tell me about it when he was finished. He understood.

Then as I sat there watching William make the board game, I wondered why I had lied. What did I think that would accomplish? Why do I sometimes say WAIT when I mean NO? I do it a lot. Sometimes I do it because I WANT to but I don’t WANT to, you know? There’s so much I want to do… but I really don’t actually want to do it. I want the result of it but not the price of it. I think that’s a valid thing, to buy some time to muster up the energy and the gusto to finally go ahead.

But other times I think it’s just stuff we don’t really want to do but feel obligated. I love William. A lot. I love him so much that I’m not going to pretend to want to spend time doing things with him. I want for every one of his memories to be me willingly and gladly spending time with him, not me putting off doing something with him.

I want to be careful with my words. I want to say “wait” (or later, or after this and this…) only when I want to do something, whether it’s because I love them so much I want to do it or because it’s something I actually want to do.