Every morning I wake up and think, “I should really blog!” and then I begin the hour-long task of sharing my Poshmark closet, because my blog, on average, makes me like $10.00 a month in Adsense money and Poshmark makes me like $1000+ a month. I’m going where the money is, y’all.

But then I find myself thinking about my blog and wanting to blog and wishing I blogged and I get weighed down with guilt and frustration when the day ends and I’ve not even logged into my blog’s dashboard.

My friend Gregory once said it’s possible to be in so many places that you’re really nowhere at all, and that’s how I sometimes feel. I’m a part-time reseller, a part-time (overnight) nanny, and I am a very casual essential oil advocate. I try to be a housewife and stay on top of the laundry which has to be done elsewhere, and the dishes which have to be hand washed, and the cleaning of the counters and apartment and running of errands and… I just feel like I’m doing most of it at 30%.

I get the same “start a routine” feedback, but I never spend more than 6 nights in a row sleeping at my apartment in any given month, so it’s really hard to get ANYTHING on a routine.

I need to side note all of this with this statement: I am so grateful I don’t have a 9-5 job. My anxiety levels have significantly decreased since I’ve started really working for myself. It’s been hard to stop seeing Poshmark as a “side hustle” and acknowledging it’s my actual source of whatever income I make that month, but that shift in thinking has been so incredibly beneficial for me.

When I can, I try to set myself up for working in a coffee shop, where the buzz of human connection keeps me moving and motivated, even if I have my headphones in and the human connection means watching someone walk in and walk up to the counter, or noting that I have the same shoes, or smiling or answering a question.

When I worked with kids every day, my main goal was to help each child succeed every single day. In the midst of conflict, I’d brainstorm ways to help the child succeed even in the smallest ways. You’re unable to sit and listen to the devotion? Would you like to help wash the windows? and then a celebratory “The windows look so clean! Thank you so much, you are such a huge help! Thanks for being on my team!” Choosing to not dive into the struggle of asking a child to sit still and leave defeated because they kept squirming.

I’m trying to try that trick on myself. How can I feel like every day I have succeeded? Maybe it’s because I woke up and got dressed, or I took photos of every article of clothing I bought at the thrift store yesterday. Putting away the dishes. Responding to 5 e-mails. Reading for 10 minutes. Hitting my FitBit steps.

But they’re all over the place, and some days I celebrate an empty sink and other days I celebrate a photo roll full of clothing. There’s no consistency, no common thread and sometimes it feels like I am not actually treading water, I’m more doing the flail thing trying to grab onto anything to give me a moment’s break. Kind of like:

But I think that I’m remembering that the overall trend can be up even if some days feel lower and thinner than I’d like. Positive trend graphs sometimes go two steps forward and one step back.

and I think I’m needing to stop pretending like a blog needs to be something that is teaching people or has some Pinterest-worthy image. There was a season when I blogged every day. I found this in my image files:

…I cannot fathom that these days, and so I’m reminding myself it’s 100% okay to just blog what I personally need to blog, with no concern for if it’s SEO friendly or pinnable or whatever. I can’t do that right now.

{Oh well.}

And so even though it’s my natural resting place to sit in the ways I’ve failed or only given 50%, I’ll celebrate the positive trends happening all throughout my life:

• I’m on my last week of a StepBet and last week I didn’t have to walk around my apartment at 11:00 trying to get in 1000 more steps because I’ve been more active.
• In January I made less than $900 on Poshmark, but in the months since then I’ve pushed past $1000 consistently.
• I get up by 6:30 every day when Justen leaves.
• Overall, I feel more energized/stable than I ever have in my life. I don’t always see it in the day-by-day but when I think back to life 2 years ago, it’s really obvious.

To little victories, y’all.

Last month Justen asked me what I want for my birthday (which isn’t even until the end of May) and I was like “I literally don’t know,” and then I realized that I’ve been walking around saying “I really want ______” so I figured I’d just go ahead and compile a little list of the things I’m wishing for this month.

Before I get to that, I just want to say that Bailey wrote about why she stopped writing financial blog posts and I loved that. I spent a few years writing often about finances and while I’m still REALLY COMMITTED to paying off debt and eventually buying + paying off a house, being so attached to writing about finances makes it hard for me to blog about other things because I feel like a big hypocritical liar. So I’m pausing on writing blog posts about finances (aside from our debt repayment recaps and the occasional post about how we save money on things). Thanks for going first, Bailey 🙂

ON TO THE THINGS I REALLY WANT RIGHT NOW

ONE // A SQUATTY POTTY

Listen. As of now I don’t have a Squatty Potty BUT I DO have a stepladder that I will occasionally bring near the toilet and put my feet on it while I go to the bathroom and the difference is just amazing. So literally all I want for my birthday at this point in life is an actual Squatty Potty which is easily stored at the base of your toilet and then I can look as happy as this lady:

Look at that Squatty Potty, helping get her body all squatty-like. I want one so bad. They’re only $24.99 on Amazon.

TWO // ADIDAS Superstar sneakers (I’m a size 9.5 hint hint hint)

On Black Friday I managed to score a pair of all-white Adidas Neo sneakers that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE. See this picture:

I just love those shoes so much…. and I want another pair that are slightly different because they have a pop of black! Side note, did anyone have these shoes in like 1998? They were SO COOL, and I remember wanting the black stripes so bad but the ones on sale at Nordstrom were a shiny light blue striped kind. So you know what I want right now? I want Adidas Superstars with the freaking black stripe as seen in this photo because right?

THREE // ALLLLLL THE PLANNER STICKERS!

Here’s the thing: I have PLENTY of planner stickers. Like… I have enough planner stickers to fully fill two years worth of planner stickers but I just love stickers, so a pack of these stickers to look at while I’m using my Squatty Potty would be awesome.

FOUR // NEW ROLLERBOTTLES

Ugh I kind of hate that I’m admitting this but I’ve really turned into that person who uses essential oils for like all the things. My current new thing is I’m trying a blend of oils to attempt to get my hair to grow back. I have these rollerballs that have plastic roller things and they’re okay but I love the metal ones that come in the dōTerra roller balls. Until I have an empty one to use for my own magic potions, I would desperately like these BEAUTIFUL ones, found on Amazon:

FIVE // THE GREATEST SHOWMAN 

I’m late to hop on this bandwagon, but the theater next door (literally our window looks out over the theater roof) finally got The Greatest Showman and since it was only $4.50, we went with my mom and watched the movie and I’m obsessed. I’m about to go pay $4.50 to see it again. or I should buy the movie, go to the concessions stand and by a $6 large bag of movie theater popcorn, come back upstairs and watch it from the comfort of my couch. Also their popcorn is so good. and they serve Butter Beer… so… yeah, but that’s a side note. One more side note. When I saw Zac Efron on the screen (a pleasant surprise) I whispered to my mom “THAT GUY IS GOING TO PLAY TED BUNDY!” and now I follow Zac Efron on Instagram and I don’t know how I feel about all of this except I have this weird new love for Zac Efron. but anyway. This goes on my wish list FOR SURE.

What are five things on your wishlist right now?! Anybody else obsessed with squatty potties or just me…?