Every morning I wake up and think, “I should really blog!” and then I begin the hour-long task of sharing my Poshmark closet, because my blog, on average, makes me like $10.00 a month in Adsense money and Poshmark makes me like $1000+ a month. I’m going where the money is, y’all.

But then I find myself thinking about my blog and wanting to blog and wishing I blogged and I get weighed down with guilt and frustration when the day ends and I’ve not even logged into my blog’s dashboard.

My friend Gregory once said it’s possible to be in so many places that you’re really nowhere at all, and that’s how I sometimes feel. I’m a part-time reseller, a part-time (overnight) nanny, and I am a very casual essential oil advocate. I try to be a housewife and stay on top of the laundry which has to be done elsewhere, and the dishes which have to be hand washed, and the cleaning of the counters and apartment and running of errands and… I just feel like I’m doing most of it at 30%.

I get the same “start a routine” feedback, but I never spend more than 6 nights in a row sleeping at my apartment in any given month, so it’s really hard to get ANYTHING on a routine.

I need to side note all of this with this statement: I am so grateful I don’t have a 9-5 job. My anxiety levels have significantly decreased since I’ve started really working for myself. It’s been hard to stop seeing Poshmark as a “side hustle” and acknowledging it’s my actual source of whatever income I make that month, but that shift in thinking has been so incredibly beneficial for me.

When I can, I try to set myself up for working in a coffee shop, where the buzz of human connection keeps me moving and motivated, even if I have my headphones in and the human connection means watching someone walk in and walk up to the counter, or noting that I have the same shoes, or smiling or answering a question.

When I worked with kids every day, my main goal was to help each child succeed every single day. In the midst of conflict, I’d brainstorm ways to help the child succeed even in the smallest ways. You’re unable to sit and listen to the devotion? Would you like to help wash the windows? and then a celebratory “The windows look so clean! Thank you so much, you are such a huge help! Thanks for being on my team!” Choosing to not dive into the struggle of asking a child to sit still and leave defeated because they kept squirming.

I’m trying to try that trick on myself. How can I feel like every day I have succeeded? Maybe it’s because I woke up and got dressed, or I took photos of every article of clothing I bought at the thrift store yesterday. Putting away the dishes. Responding to 5 e-mails. Reading for 10 minutes. Hitting my FitBit steps.

But they’re all over the place, and some days I celebrate an empty sink and other days I celebrate a photo roll full of clothing. There’s no consistency, no common thread and sometimes it feels like I am not actually treading water, I’m more doing the flail thing trying to grab onto anything to give me a moment’s break. Kind of like:

But I think that I’m remembering that the overall trend can be up even if some days feel lower and thinner than I’d like. Positive trend graphs sometimes go two steps forward and one step back.

and I think I’m needing to stop pretending like a blog needs to be something that is teaching people or has some Pinterest-worthy image. There was a season when I blogged every day. I found this in my image files:

…I cannot fathom that these days, and so I’m reminding myself it’s 100% okay to just blog what I personally need to blog, with no concern for if it’s SEO friendly or pinnable or whatever. I can’t do that right now.

{Oh well.}

And so even though it’s my natural resting place to sit in the ways I’ve failed or only given 50%, I’ll celebrate the positive trends happening all throughout my life:

• I’m on my last week of a StepBet and last week I didn’t have to walk around my apartment at 11:00 trying to get in 1000 more steps because I’ve been more active.
• In January I made less than $900 on Poshmark, but in the months since then I’ve pushed past $1000 consistently.
• I get up by 6:30 every day when Justen leaves.
• Overall, I feel more energized/stable than I ever have in my life. I don’t always see it in the day-by-day but when I think back to life 2 years ago, it’s really obvious.

To little victories, y’all.