I briefly mentioned in my last post about how the guy I was dating for awhile broke up with me. and I guess that’s kind of a sad thing. I cried, for sure. But it was less about something really great being gone and more about something unhealthy going out in… an unhealthy way. Shocking.
This is the thing.
You know what happened on the day he broke up with me? My ex-boyfriend got married.
and really I should have been way more of a mess than I was, but history repeated itself.
I cried because I don’t understand how people can be mean to other people.
Then I realized how God, in his mercy, had slammed a door in my face.
In his MERCY.
Because I was walking down paths I had no peace about. There was turmoil in my spirit, I couldn’t really settle my soul… and instead of stopping to pray for guidance and direction I shrugged the shoulders of my heart and kept going.
I’m writing this because I need to be honest. Because I struggle so much with a proud, arrogant spirit. It embarrasses me that I speak so boldly and loudly about wanting to follow the Lord with my whole heart and yet get so tangled up with something incompatible for the sake of someone’s hand to hold.
My friends knew from the beginning. Brittany never liked him. and Bee told me to dump him. Rhoda listened to me teeter on the fence. It was never certain, it was never right, it was never blessed.
A handful of days later I was talking with my friend whose 15 year marriage is coming to an end. With tears in her eyes she told me about how she deserved to be loved and enjoyed.
My heart broke for her. and I saw very quickly that I had, as my friend Beckie later commented, dodged a bullet. You know what never happened while we were dating? I had never laughed. He was constantly saying, “I was making a joke!” and I would force a smile. and I love laughing. Shouldn’t that have been a red flag? “All that I’m after is a life full of laughter,” is one of my most cherished little lyrics of all time. I don’t even know who sings that song, it’s just exceptionally true to me.
Watching my wonderful friend cry about how she had lost herself healed me. Because I knew that no matter how badly I wanted to respond to his breakup Facebook message (I know, right….) I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to text him. or be his friend. or leave that bridge passable.
From the beginning, I was dragging a carcass on a leash, hoping to pass it off as living. The carcass finally spoke for itself and said “I AM ROTTEN.” and I had to drop the leash and contemplate what I had been doing and where I would be going and why. The carcass was a companion, regardless of the stench and unhealth of having it around. So of course it’s felt weird without it.
The purpose of this post isn’t to bash him. It’s not to downplay tough parts of life. It’s not even to loudly proclaim in a public forum that I am so much better right now than I was a month ago.
I just want to encourage all of my friends to consider what dead things they’re dragging around on leashes. What in your life is rotten and decaying but you pull it around like it is full of life for the sake of company?
To quote one of my favorite poets….
Walk away, empty handed.
Don’t look back.
Let it be dead.