People of the internet, I think we are friends. And you know what friends do? Friends like to show off their collections. So today, in honor of the first day of Valentine’s Day Week (I just turned it into a week-long celebration, sorry Scrooges!) I am going to show off my small collection of bad first dates.
#1. The Zoo.Â
I went on a date with this guy that I thought seemed absolutely brilliant. He worked with kids and music at his church (just like me) and he was really friendly and nice and so we decided to go to the zoo. He was late getting there and had a hard time finding parking, which I felt bad about.
After that, I proceeded to walk around the zoo for four hours essentially talking to myself and asking questions to a brick wall because he seemed annoyed by me. I honestly cannot tell you a SINGLE thing we talked about because I don’t think we actually talked about anything. I immediately drove to my friend Denise’s house to lament about this and she spoke some words of wisdom into my life, which I wrote about here. Seriously if that bad first date happened just so that I could hear the words Denise said to me…. totally worth it.
#2. Ruby Jewel.
So this guy had a speech impediment. and at first I was like “no way is this happening,” and then after I saw him opening doors for other people I thought… what if this is one of the greatest human beings that ever existed and I dismissed him because of something as stupid as a speech impediment? and then I decided to give him a fair chance.
But he blew it pretty quickly by first telling me that he dressed better than me (who says that to a girl 5 minutes into their first date?) and then it was all over when he told me that he hates poor people after I told him I work for The Salvation Army. He didn’t even apologize or try to change his words, he just continued to talk about how much he hated poor people. He tried to walk me to my car, and then he sent me a picture of puppies and I was ready to throw up on the next person who looked at me because UGH.
#3. Extracto
The actual first date of this one wasn’t that terrible. He dropped a few more cuss words than I thought were appropriate for a first date, but he seemed pretty nice aside from that. But then that night he called me and things got weird. He started telling me that he had wanted to hold my hand when he walked me back to my car and that he’d gone to a concert and wished I was there. and so I decided to just be straight forward and I pointed out that I am a youth pastor and am not interested in dating someone who does’t share the belief that true life comes from surrendering to Christ. I was totally prepared for him to not share that belief.
But I wasn’t at all prepared for him to tell me I was leading the youth of America astray and that I was hypocritical and judgmental and a mean person. After about 5 minutes of listening to that, I hung up on him. and then he took up the fight on text messages, which I never responded to. The next morning he apologized and said he had no idea what happened just that he’d sent some mean texts and thought someone had slipped something in one of his drinks. So there’s that one.
#4. Rimsky.Â
So at Rimsky they have these journals where people can write secrets. I spent the entire date looking through those notebooks and texting any phone number that had been left in them. My hope was that this quiet, awkward, shy human being who brought me to such an interesting place would be on board to care about other people’s secrets and want to know which boy the girl chose…. but he just sat there. and it killed me. We walked down to a park, which was more awkward. Then he had me walk with him to his car where he handed me hot pink flowers. Like… they were originally white but then they dyed the water neon pink so then there were these hot pink daisies.
and I hated them, and in that moment I hated the whole afternoon that I had to spend being watched but not engaged by another person, and I just got so mad in my heart. Five minutes later he texted me and asked if I even liked him and I just simply said “no.” That was the end of that. Does that make me a jerk?
#5. Savona
It was a nice day so we went on a walk. He asked if he could come by my church sometime. I said no. I stayed four feet away from him the whole time. Then at the end he did the most awful thing that someone could ever do. I was almost free, like hand on my car door about to get in, when he asked if he could give me a hug.
UGGGHHHH. Hugs seem  like such a not big deal. But it is PRESSING YOUR BODY AGAINST ANOTHER PERSON’S BODY. Hugs are REMOVING SPACE BETWEEN YOU AND ANOTHER PERSON. Hugs are a big deal, and if someone asks me for a hug I want to kick them. But he was a nice person. So I said okay and cringed and then got in my car ASAP and did what I do best… stopped communicating with him. We were friends on Facebook and he spent a long time commenting on everything I did and finally a year later I checked and he had unfriended me. I shed not a single tear.
Those are my 5 worst dates. I always got in my car angry at the whole process. But here’s the cool thing about the process: I’ve learned so much more about myself than if I had refused the walk around the zoo, the coffees or the ice cream. and for that, it’s been worth it.
I know there are people in the world who have had WAY worse first dates than me…. so it’s your turn, if you have one. I want to know all about it. I’m gonna go make some popcorn right now. 🙂
