The amount of time I spend worrying about delivering this baby is slowly and steadily increasing. Every time I go to roll over and feel some random form of sharp pain in some random place I didn’t even realize existed, I think “THIS BUT WORSE” and then lay in bed, eyes wide open, in sheer terror of something that is coming…. and I don’t know when.

I’m trying not to stress too much. As Hagrid said..

no point in worrying too much about things so out of my control I can’t even DO anything about them.

and so we wait.

(I forgot our little letter board when we went out of town. God bless the app store)

My appetite has returned, and I find that I am hungry around 10 am and 4 pm. A snack or two in-between, but those are the two times when I need to eat or else I feel like exploding.

Despite the hot temperatures, I’ve had no swelling (maybe because I am CONSTANTLY THIRSTY AND DRINK SO MUCH WATER) which has been exciting.

Also… tell me if this is weird… but I’ve NEVER spoken to my stomach. I watched a video about how talking to your baby while it’s still inside of you can help with brain development, but I’m like… yeah I can’t do that. I’ve said “PLEASE STOP MOVING!” but kind of to nobody in particular.  oh and I don’t refer to her by name (she’s still “the baby” even more than she is “her” or “she”). Anybody else? It just feels really abnormal and awkward to do.

We’re almost exactly a month to her estimated due date. I think I’ll be okay until we hit September 30th. If we hit September 30th and she’s not here, my morale is tanking. So until then, I’m trying to stay positive, not stress, and enjoy PUMPKIN SPICE SEASON CAN I GET AN AMEN.

Baby Martian // Week 34
Baby Martian // Week 33
Baby Martian // Week 32
Baby Martian // Week 31
Baby Martian // Week 30
Baby Martian // Week 29
Baby Martian // Week 28
Baby Martian // Week 23
Baby Martian // Week 22
Baby Martian // Week 20

The other day, I was working on my computer and I felt the tiny human inside of me start squirming and moving and it was uncomfortable and I thought… I wonder if it’s 9 am.

It was 8:58.

Because between 9 am – 9:20, she is NON. STOP. MOVING.

and listen, I’m not complaining AT ALL, especially in light of this week’s Rainbow Baby Day. I’m still constantly waiting for the bad news to hit about this pregnancy. I’ve watched my friends and wept up prayers while they’ve struggled with infertility, experienced miscarriages and heartbreaking loss.

I don’t know why God has allowed us to have an easy and stress-free pregnancy, but here we still are and I will be so grateful for every squirm, every punch in the rib, every pause on the staircase walking up to our apartment.

and I will think of my dear friend Donna, who would have given anything to experience any of this. I’ll ponder the miracle that was a poppy seed when we first learned of it and is now a lion cub. I will hold close the fragility of life both tucked inside of me and walking around passing me on the street. That any of us started as poppy seeds and grew into crystal balls and then lion cubs and now walking, breathing, existing human beings.

Week 34. 6 weeks until due date.

We’ve had all of our showers, celebrated with all of our friends and family. I’ve sat, grateful for friends new and old (and some I met as they handed me a gift), overwhelmed by the kindness and love we’ve received in the form of hugs, texts, messages, prayers, gifts, and presence.

My appetite is still small, my lower back hurts 80% of the time. Next week is our appointment with one of our two new midwives, and also marks the beginning of our weekly appointments. We’ve almost finished packing our hospital bags, we have our diaper bags ready to go, and I spend at least 10 minutes a day wondering if I’m really going to be able to get a baby out of a small orifice in my body.

Our pastor’s son included this little note in the gift his mom gave us at our church shower, and it made me so happy we taped it to the wall because it accurately describes how I’m feeling 99% of the time:

ps at our church shower we did this baby shower word scramble. Neither Justen nor I got the word Desitin, but it turns out Justen didn’t get it because HE HAS NEVER HEARD OF IT. He saw it on the changing pad and was like, “oh! Desitin!” lol.

Also look at that little stack of baby jackets. I am losing my mind over them. They’re so tiny and small.

I’ll leave you with this. Sometimes I don’t think my body has changed that much, and then I started comparing pictures. Also look at how I couldn’t even pretend during week 28, that’s my favorite. There’s actually a better picture but I realized it too late so you get that mopey one instead, sorry 🙂

Baby Martian // Week 33
Baby Martian // Week 32
Baby Martian // Week 31
Baby Martian // Week 30
Baby Martian // Week 29
Baby Martian // Week 28
Baby Martian // Week 23
Baby Martian // Week 22
Baby Martian // Week 20

There’s this song I’ve known and loved for like 16 years, called “What’ll She Look Like,” by this band called Stephen Speaks.

and ON THE DAILY, I get that song stuck in my head for very obvious reasons.

Will she be soft, will she be strong
Will she be ready to be wrong
Will she move too fast or wait too long
Will she look me in the eyes
What’ll she look like?

every time she gets really bad hiccups or squirms, I think of that song.

Who. the. heck. are. you., baby.?

What color is your hair? (I think blonde because Justen and I both started with light hair that got darker when we got older)
What color are your eyes? (blue like Justen’s?)
Do you have any birth marks? (I have a super weird one)
Is your nose as big as it looked in that one ultrasound? (I really hope not but that’s more for you than me)

It’s bizarre to feel another human being inside of me – someone I don’t know and have never actually met.

I was telling my aunt the other day that this year has ZOOMED by, but August has been the slowest month of my life… oh except September will probably be so much worse.

We had our last appointment with our current midwife. She said everything is great, the baby’s growth ultrasound, the size my uterus was measuring (lol what that’s such a weird sentence), my weight gain, etc. When I told her about my frequent heartburn she smiled and nodded because I guess it’s normal. I’m not a fan of heartburn at all. I’ve never had it until this and it sucks, fyi.

I just can’t wait to meet her.

Baby Martian // Week 32
Baby Martian // Week 31
Baby Martian // Week 30
Baby Martian // Week 29
Baby Martian // Week 28
Baby Martian // Week 23
Baby Martian // Week 22
Baby Martian // Week 20

A week behind on this, but somewhere between Week 31 and Week 32, my answer to “how are you feeling?” went from “great, I barely feel pregnant!” to “PREGNANT!!!!” all caps, bold, underline.

My back hurts, the baby kicks me real hard at real random times and takes my breath away (but I’m so grateful to feel her active!) and I am freaking TIRED, you guys.

So tired that last night I FELL ASLEEP during Bachelor in Paradise. I LIVE for that stuff, so the fact that I fell asleep, got up and went into bed (without brushing my teeth btw) and slept until 3:45 am really says how tired I was.

We’re halfway through (!!!) our 4 baby showers and I’m honestly just really honored to have so many people at the ready to love our baby when she gets here.

I’m still on the watermelon italian soda > coffee train, which is weird af and honestly perhaps my dramatic decrease in caffeine is the culprit behind my constant exhaustion, haha.

Pants are completely out of the question at this point, so luckily I have a bunch of t-shirt dresses that are 1. easy and 2. breezy. I caved and bought a pair of brand new maternity shorts at a resale store for $4 and honestly they are the best thing I’ve worn since I discovered I can’t wear pants a few weeks ago.

We did our first load(s) of baby clothes and I wanted to explode into a shower of glitter because they’re all so little and so cute and soon we’ll have someone to put them in.

Baby Martian // Week 31
Baby Martian // Week 30
Baby Martian // Week 29
Baby Martian // Week 28
Baby Martian // Week 23
Baby Martian // Week 22
Baby Martian // Week 20