Nearly three months ago, there was a big upset in my life. I’ve spent a LOT of time processing it, and I’ve been growing a lot through it. At the advice of Amber, I prayed that God would keep me soft.. that through this whole thing, I wouldn’t start to push people away or develop trust issues or become bitter, but that I’d stay vulnerable and raw, filled with a quiet joy and a constant hope.
Two weeks ago I went up to camp for two days. At breakfast, a stream of teenagers waited to talk to me… teenagers I’d known as campers, but who were now staff members. Then Mitchell gave me a name tag:
Over the course of my two days, I did dishes, helped treat campers for lice, was able to say goodnight to the first campers to sleep in the new cabins, played dodgeball, was a counselor, and cleaned up a pukey bathroom. I poured my heart out on my two days off at camp, and as I drove out of the driveway on my way home I started sobbing.
Because I realized…. I am okay.
Not just in some sort of self-affirming “you are strong and fierce and brave” kind of way, but in a… holy crap, I’m completely surviving this situation that has broken my heart. I’m okay. I can still pour out love and serve to the point of exhaustion; I can listen and respond and be brave and make friends and step away to be alone and laugh with people.
I needed to be at camp to see that.
Driving away, I lost it. I kept saying “thank you, thank you, thank you,” to the Lord… over and over and over. I didn’t need any more words. Just gratitude, because the storm has passed.
Then I listened to this:
and I felt my whole entire being sigh, because God’s got me. He masterfully brought me to the place where I hear him the clearest because I need him the deepest, and then he drenched me – straight up DRENCHED ME – in his peace. The journey of the past few months has been an emotional, wild ride. I’m learning to hold expectations loosely and be pleasantly surprised with what God does with the things that make up my life.
God is far more creative than I am and has unimaginable resources at his disposal, so trusting him seems a bit like a no-brainer at this point.