My journey to read through the Bible in 6 months is going really well, but it means lots of reading in books like.. Leviticus. Which are.. um.. fascinating.. but man. My heart is still hurting. and when your heart is hurting and you open the Bible, reading about the details of animal sacrifice aren’t really the things that calm your spirit, you know?
One morning I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom, reading through Leviticus and I said “GOD, GIVE ME SOMETHING! JUST SOMETHING! I NEED SOMETHING!”
I finished reading Leviticus and flipped over to my ONE chapter in Mark. Jesus just healed the woman with the bleeding problem and then Jairus, whose daughter was sick, hears that his daughter died. Jesus overhears someone delivering the news to Jairus and he says to Jairus,
“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”
and there I sat, on my bathroom floor, face pressed into my Bible, crying.
Don’t be afraid.
People, I don’t even know what I’m afraid OF. I just know that these days I feel a weird fear in my bones. Maybe, if I’m really honest, the fear is that I’ll never get married. Such a stupid fear in the grand scheme of life, but I feel so READY. Today I texted a bunch of my friends this text message:
Part of what I’m grieving right now is that I was looking forward to growing in a relationship, like learning and putting in the work and stuff. You know? Not like it would be a battle, but like making time and listening and being intentional and stuff. I feel like I was excited to learn how to be a significant other, not just this girl someone is kind of dating. and I’m sad because I think I’d be pretty awesome at that.
I FEEL SO READY.
One of my favorite hymns is the one that says “Pass me not, O gentle Savior. Hear my humble cry, while on others thou art calling.. do not pass me by.”
and when I hear it, I think of myself sitting on this rock, watching this parade of people with Jesus at the center, come up the road towards me. and I can’t get my mouth to spit the words out, but I am sitting there, hoping to catch Christ’s eye and plead the words with my eyes. DO NOT PASS ME BY.
I guess that’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid the wedding parade will march right past me while I sit on the rock.
Woah. Let me talk in real time right now. Right now, this is the current scene…
I’m at Starbucks. I made myself at home and took my bobby pins out and everything. I wrote those few sentences and then I looked out the window at the sky, because I was crying. I literally cry when I write some of these blog posts, because it’s real talk.
Then I heard the words of the song playing –
His eye is on the sparrow
His eye is on you.
WHAT. MOMENTS after I wrote that I wanted to give Jesus a pleading glance but worried he couldn’t see me. What what what.
Just more affirmation of this post, of the words I’ve been treasuring in my heart the past few days:
Don’t be afraid;
Okay so for me, my current fear is that I’m never going to be married. Jesus is plainly saying “Stephanie, just believe.”
What about you?
What is the fear that is screaming in your head? When you sit on the rock worrying Jesus will pass by you, what parade is he in? Is it like me, the wedding parade? or is it a baby parade? Maybe it’s the “someone I know is very sick,” parade or “I will never get out of debt” parade.
Whatever parade is fast approaching, just know this.
Jesus said to not be afraid.
His eye is on you. He sees you.
Don’t be afraid.