31 days of waiting – have you ever?

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have you ever by stephanie orefice on Grooveshark
The year was 1998. I was 13.
Who even knows what idiot middle school boy I was in love with at the time. Probably Zac Hanson.

But this song.

I remember laying in bed and listening to these words over and over and over. and crying my heart out because… well, boys.

Today I was laying in my bed, texting two of my closest friends about the boy I like. Because homeboy is CONFUSING. The minute that a tear trickled down my face (which started a freaking downpour ugh) I remembered this song and I listened to it like the IDIOT THAT I AM. There I was, TWENTY NINE AND A HALF FREAKING YEARS OLD and crying about boys to the same song I did SIXTEEN FREAKING YEARS AGO.

and after I listened to like one verse of it I sat up and thought “I bet when I was 13 I didn’t imagine that I’d still be waiting.”

I tried to remember 13 year old Stephanie, the things I loved and hated and dreamed of happening… and all I could think of was I never expected to wait this long.

One of my friends, Denise, got married later in life. and one day I drove the 45 minutes to her house after I went on a date with a boy that was SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT because he and I were passionate about the same things and he was cute and loved Jesus… but instead I spent FOUR HOURS walking around the zoo with a guy who wouldn’t even speak to me. Denise said something that I cling to.

She told me that I’m single because I’m single. I’m not single because I’m not smart enough or funny enough or tall enough or well dressed enough. I’m not single because I’m too loud or fat or excitable or sparkly. I’m single because I’m single, plain and simple.

UGGGGHHHHHHHH.

I’m single because I’m waiting. Because I refuse to compromise or throw myself at any boy who gives me attention.

Then I had this thought.
This really awful thought.

WHAT IF, IN THIRTEEN MORE YEARS, I LOOK BACK ON 29 YEAR OLD STEPHANIE AND THINK “I bet when I was 29 I didn’t imagine that I’d still be waiting.”

OH.
MY.
FREAKING.
GOSH.

I can’t really spin this to be some big freaking encouragement or thought-provoking post. All I can say is that this waiting stuff freaking blows sometimes.

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