changing.

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I hate change. Call it ocd, call it a need for security, call it whatever. I just hate change.

Lately I’ve been trying to enjoy the changing of seasons. I tried getting into the whole pumpkin spice thing. I carved a pumpkin and went to a pumpkin patch, even took a hay ride. I noticed the leaves as they would catch fire, and started greedily cherishing every moment of the fleeting daylight.

The other day I mentioned how I have only gone to Camp Arnold once since I got my new car. Once. I cried as I pulled in, feeling like I was arriving back home after a long trip away. But I have yet to return. A few hours after realizing that, I found myself at my new, unfamiliar camp, walking down a path I’d never been on and taking in the overwhelming feeling of change. Perhaps there will be a moment, years down the road, when I know the steps of this path like I learned the roots of the Wander Weg Trail at Camp Arnold. Maybe I’ll know the shortcuts and hideouts and perhaps I will even discover my white bench by the lake – a place where God is always waiting for me to sit next to him and be still.

I am thankful for my God who gives me peace in moments I do not have the strength to remain calm through. When I take a plunge into the depths of faith, he is there to catch me and slowly lower me into the unfamiliar waters.

I will probably never be good at change, at least not on the inside. But I am realizing that there is too much beauty and too many wonderful moments waiting to be embraced for me to pout my way through life, wanting to go back through doors which have been closed.

Madeleine L’Engle says that the thing about birthdays is you never lose the ages you’ve been. I am 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 and 28 today. I have collected all of those numbers and do not turn in the old one for new but add something more brilliant to all I have already been through. Change, it appears, is the same way. I do not lose the white bench by Trout Lake, the memories of laying underneath the stars with my best friends do not lose their value, I just move into a whole new chapter where I have the opportunity to create new colors on a new canvas which I can one day display next to something God has completed.

Change is worth it if we are brave enough to embrace it.

2 Comments

  1. sarah.v.ward
    December 3, 2013 / 6:12 pm

    This was such a comforting post; felt like you were writing to just me. Collecting years and moments and seasons is a good vantage point to see from. Love you.

    • December 10, 2013 / 9:25 am

      all all all of my love <3

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