a little lesson in love.

“The more people we love, the more we are liable to be hurt, and not only by the people we love, but for the people we love.” ~Madeleine L’Engle

tonight i delivered the hardest goodbye of my life. elias and bram {along with their family, of course} are moving to wyoming. they leave tomorrow.

i have done my fair share of crying tonight, because my sillies are gone. no more “ready or not here i come” “I’M RIGHT HERE!” or “elias, that was only funny when you first said it six years ago.” no more watching bram’s teeth fall out or seeing them without noticing huge changes in appearance. those days are gone.

when i say, as i often do, that bramwell and elias have taught me how to love, what i mean is that i am who i am today because i love them. i am the stephanie orefice of right now because i spoke to elias when he was just an unknown in his mom’s tummy and i held him as a baby even though he screamed at me. i beamed with pride when he first looked at me and said “teh!” i remember watching him stumble around figuring out the whole walking thing, and i remember him pooping on me.

and then i remember looking down at baby bram, and the day i finally held him and thought i was killing him because he wouldn’t stop crying. i remember singing him songs to sleep in the nursery and being very consistent in the way i’d say his name when i first saw him. i remember the evolution of his brothers name, from “e-i” to “ias” to “alice” to “e-alice” and finally elias.

i remember one day when bram was a baby and we couldn’t find elias in the corps. he was 5, and he went missing. i will never forget the way the world seemed to stop and i couldn’t breathe and then sitting with his mom on the pew after he’d been found playing a spontaneous game of hide-and-seek he’d forgot to inform us of.

elias inflated my heart and then bramwell filled it.

when i think of them, i know what it means to love someone so much you would lay down your life. i know what it means to put someone before yourself. i know what it means to show love in action, whether it is a spy mission or dinosaur adventure or a play date to help get to the next level of lego star wars. i get it.

i have learned about love from two tiny babies that grew into toddlers and then preschoolers and elementary schoolers.

here are some pictures, because i am a very sentimental person. with the lyrics from “gavin’s song” by marc broussard, because it’s made me burst into tears for the past couple of months, thinking of this day.

 

i wish you freedom, i wish you peace. i wish you nights of stars that beckon you to sleep.  

i wish you heartache that leaves you more of a man. i wish i could be there. but i can’t.    

i wish you places that sit so still, where people never ever change and never ever will.    

i wish i could hold you and make you understand. i wish i could be there, but i can’t. 

be good for your mama, cuz she’ll need a hand to hold. boy she loves you, more than you’ll ever know. 

there are rhymes and there are reasons, and times when nothing stays the same.

but you know my love still remains.

i wish you wisdom, i wish you years. i wish you armies to conquer all your fears.

i wish you courage for all that life demands. i wish i could be there, but i can’t.

i wish we were together, i wish i was home. i wish there were nights where i was never alone.

i know i’ve said it, but i’ll say it once again: i wish i could be there, but i can’t.

hearts hearts hearts hearts…