Contrary to my previous decision that my bedroom no longer has a dance floor, I just had a nice fifteen minute dance party. So maybe I have to dance around my bed… there’s still dancing room.
I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. Probably because I spent a whole summer with the worst parts of myself, and I want less of that and more of Jesus.
Let me tell you about the “BC” part of my dad’s life, as he calls it. The Before Christ part.
He was a violent drunk who did stupid things and said stupid things and was mean and scary and hurtful. He destroyed my mom’s life and stole what should have been the first 10 carefree years of life. He forced me to grow up quickly, be responsible at a young age and has left me with scars and wounds on my soul that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. When he went to jail, I wished him good riddance and hoped he would rot there.
I remember one day when he called from jail and told me about how he almost got in a fight but instead went to his jail cell and read his Bible. It meant nothing to me on that day because I just wanted to get off the phone and play with my friends. But looking back, I can see the change that was going on there. Jonny Lang has a verse in a song that reminds me of whatever happened in those few months my dad spent in jail.
“I knew a man named Charlie, he went and lost his way.
Now he’s in prison, cold prison, no chance for escape.
They gave him new clothes and a Bible, in the word he did read
that now those four walls can’t keep him because Charlie is free.
The choices you’ve made might be mistakes but it’s never too late to turn around.
The road that you take might lead you astray but don’t be afraid to turn around.”
When my dad came out of jail, he was the embodiment of the verse that says that if anyone is in Christ they are a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come.
Let me tell you about the “AC” part of my dad’s life. The After Christ part.
He is a passionate man who takes God’s commands to care for widows and orphans very seriously. He doesn’t do or sell drugs. I’ve not seen him get drunk. He prays with and for me, cries when he is vulnerable. He trusts God with his entire life and has set an amazing example of real, messy faith for me.
The change was a soul change. It happened not out of a learned response. He didn’t decide “I will be nicer” or “I will love my daughter better” or “I will stop being a jerk.” He surrendered himself to the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit enabled him to be nicer and set a higher standard of living and loving. My dad doesn’t love me well because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, he loves me well because one day he will stand before God and he doesn’t want to let God down.
All of this to say that I’m seeing how easy it is to play Christian, to try and change my responses to people and situations. I’m attempting to keep a bitter heart but a gentle tongue. But what is it that Jesus says? A good man brings up the good things stored in his heart, and the evil man the evil things.
I don’t want to be a better Christian, or a nicer person or a more gentle spirit. I don’t want to be less cynical and less prone to gossip or more trustworthy. I want my heart to be more good and less evil so that the good things come out more.
But speaking of change, I did some damage to my hair on Monday using caffeine, an extra five minutes and a pair of scissors. Two years from now cannot come soon enough. Then I’ll look more like 21 and less like 17. Eventually I’ll look 26…. when I’m 35.
