“To whom would we go?”

Happy Lent. πŸ™‚

One of my favorite verses is found in Psalm 62. It says

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

I would frequently wonder about what it meant to be shaken. Does it mean things won’t get to me? Does it mean it is all irrelevant?

Well. This morning, as I was feeling all powered up and scurrying about.. I realized “I was just shaken.” I have this visual of playing that crack the egg game on a trampoline. You know, where a kid sits in the middle and crosses his legs and holds on to his feet and everyone around him jumps and tries to get him to loosen and sprawl out.

Not being shaken, I think, is like that. Everyone and everything around you is bouncing and jumping and trying to crack you, but you remain secure and solid.

This morning I was shaken. I sat down at the piano to play out my emotions and started crying and finally gave up and fell face down on the ground, weeping at the feet of Jesus. It was a good, quick cry. After standing up, feeling completely drained, I picked up my phone to call Gretchen, something I felt had been stirring in my heart. I read the daily Bible verse sent to my phone via twitter..

Psalm 130:5

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

It was just what I needed to hear. It was as if I stood up from the feet of Jesus, and before I walked had a chance to do anything, he pulled me in for a great big hug and assured me of his presence in my life.

Which was funny, because you know what I had been praying?

“To whom would I go?”

Echoing the words of Peter from years ago. Jesus has thousands of disciples clinging to every word he says because he just fed a lot of people with nothing and stuff… and then Jesus goes off on some weird eating of his flesh and drinking of his blood talk. and then thousands of people peace out. So Jesus turns to the 12 and basically says “you guys leaving, too?” and Peter replies (John 6:68) “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

That is how I feel. As I was tackling my list of things to do with this crazy fire in me, I wondered “Does Satan get it, yet?” I am not going anywhere. Sometimes life sucks, a lot of times things don’t go how I thought, people die, friends bail on me, I feel unloved, money makes me nervous, I sin against people, people sin against me…. but none of that affects who Jesus is, what he’s done for me, and how I will spend the rest of my life clinging to him, because it is Jesus alone that will see me through this life. Sometimes he asks weird things of me (like remaining unemployed and traveling) and he teaches things that don’t make any sense (love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… what?) but where else would I go?

Today I realized that I can finally say that I will not be shaken. My faith in God and his love for me, which makes no sense in itself, does not depend on my daily emotions or my daily struggles. When things come my way, all I can do is stand firm and say “To where would I go?