I’m never coming home.

I’ve been in California for roughly 19 and a half days. In this time, I have slept in 5 different places. I started in Loma Mar accidentally, went to the Salvation Army’s Redwood Glen, spent an evening with the Birks, stayed with my friend Megan for a few nights, went back to the Birks, came down to Southern California, and have just finished a few days at my friend Aleen’s.

The past few days it’s occurred to me that I no longer have a real sense of home. I felt at home when the hospitable people from Sunnyvale Presbyterian set up a corner of a room for me.. smashed between Lauren and Claire on the bed at the Coverts.. waking up with Emily’s face awkwardly close to mine.. helping with Moonbeams for a week at the South San Fran corps..and talking to Hannah while she ate breakfast this morning.

I want to stay here. but I long to be with the Birks again. and still I long to be in Portland with my family and my friends. but also in Seattle to see everyone there. and I have been meaning for years to go to Spokane for some time.

In the midst of this all, where is home?

Here’s a secret of mine. Whenever whoever proposes to me, I’ve always imagined them quoting a line from one of my favorite Billy Joel songs..

I need you in my house cuz you’re my home.

That’s borderline cheesy, and I’m not a cheesy person so don’t get the wrong idea about me.  Home, like church, is not a building or a place or even any weird state of mind. They are people, not defined by a location, situation or feeling.  It is a great feeling to be arms of comfort or a shelter of security for someone. To know that you could lie in the middle of a strange field for the first time and feel like you’ve been there a million times before, because you are laying next to someone who gives you that familiarity and consistency. So many people are that way for me, and that’s all I could ever ask to be to anyone. If any of you are planning on proposing to me, please take note of that lyric. Without it, I might say no. (That’s such a lie, but it would be even more awesome if it was included). (Also, a disclaimer: using that line does not guarantee a yes, either). (parentheses party! you’re invited!).

Therefore, I have concluded that as long as so many people I love this desperately are spread out this far, I will never feel satisfied or rested. It’s not something that can be cured by moving, because I will be leaving people behind.

There are too many people in the world that are amazing and I lack the ability to tesser. How unfair.