{012/365} what’s ahead.

there’s only four of us left here at camp, and when i got back today nobody was around. i put on some cozy clothes and listened to music. i wrote about how i love the lake at camp arnold, but you know what else i love at camp arnold? the a-frames. due to the fact that the a-frames are considered “boystown,” i don’t get to live in them often. my first year as a camper {20 years ago!} i stayed in an a-frame, and so my first memory of camp arnold is the a-frames.

last night i had a long talk with my dad about life, about my fears and worries.

after years of trying to figure out what God would want me to be doing in 5 or 10 or 15 years, i decided to give up. every day i long for God to rescue me from the prison of time and the heartache of the world. although the world is so beautiful and lovely and full of so many wonderful things, it hurts to love people. madeleine says, “the more people we love, the more we are liable to be hurt, and not only by the people we love, but for the people we love.” i hurt because i am human and people i love are humans and we’re all broken and though we can offer healing touches in words, art, food or time.. we also do a lot of damage.

often my desire to pass from this world to the next is selfish and irresponsible. it is an escape route from the journey of faith i’m on. i relate to the words the apostle paul wrote to the church of philippi while he was in jail {though i am not in jail nor is execution on my horizon right now}, saying that to live is Christ and to die is gain; that he desired to depart and be with Jesus, which is better by far, but that he knew in his heart he would remain on the earth.


and so here i am. 

i gave up on figuring out what God might want me to do in the future, and i have given up on dying or end times as an escape. instead i’ll just take it a day at a time and trust that so long as my eyes are on Jesus, i’ll at least be heading the right direction.

while i’m excited to see what new things God has for me once i leave camp, i’m anxious.

today as i was driving back to camp, i realized that these jonny lang lyrics perfectly summed it up:

“i’ve been running this road for the first time. sure like to know what’s ahead.”  


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