Silver lining defenders
19th March 2013 | friendlies, music | 6 comments
You may or may not have noticed, but last week was a little rough on me.
When things aren’t going well for me, I turn to two things. Prayer and music. Like Hanson sings…
If you can’t get through it, listen to it.
Maybe you know this, maybe you don’t… but I really.. really.. really.. really.. reallllllllyyyyyy love John Mayer. Oh so bad. One of my FAVORITE songs of his is “Heart of Life.”
“No, it won’t all go the way it should. But I know the heart of life is good.”
This past week, I have been overwhelmed with phone calls out of nowhere, unexpected letters in the mail, “thinking of you” text messages and smiling faces.
In other words, and to reference the song,
the circle of my friends defended the silver lining.
Every phone call, text, letter, picture.. I thought, “and YOU are a silver lining defender….” each time.
It was as if people circled around me, linked arms, and all decided to help me remember that what I was feeling internally did not affect the reality of the love being thrown at me externally.
I cherished it all in my heart, carefully added it to a list, and reminded myself every day, every hour, every moment that I am surrounded by more love than my heart could stand {as John Mayer also sings}.
Thank you. For being silver lining defenders.
and for loving me.
19/31 days of madeleine
23rd October 2012 | 31 days of madeleine, music | 1 comment
Because you’re not what I would have you be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are.
This quote reminded me of a story, and I wanted to be true to the story so I had to do some research. It took an hour or so, but I found just what I was looking for! I will summarize what happened.
A girl paid $2200 for a meet-and-greet. It didn’t go as she’d hoped, and she went home and wrote a letter to John Mayer, which was saved here. John took the time to respond to her and in great detail described how the encounter went from his point of view, remembering the name of the perfume she was wearing and everything.
The whole moral of the story being that the girl held such high expectations for meeting John that she created a situation where he could not win. If she is anything like me, the minute she knew she was meeting him, she started writing the script for their conversation, imagining the attention he would give her and the experience she’d walk away with. From the moment he opened his mouth, the expectation came crashing down.
I’ve been face to face with John Mayer twice. Seriously. Here is a picture of the first time.
And that’s John talking to me.
He was sarcastic and slightly rude, but at that point I’d been around enough to know that was the best I’d get. I walked away ecstatic, because I’d talked to John Mayer. I hadn’t dreamed up any sort of conversation or expectations… it just happened, and I was happy.
Then I found out there was a picture! A picture of John Mayer, looking right at me.
It’s easy to do the whole expectation game with celebrity type people. It’s happened to my friend Ernie. I remember once when he was in town, we went and got sushi (okay he got sushi and I got curry) and he told me about how he had finally stood up for himself when this person had expected him to hang out with him when he was in town. He delivered them a big F- you, I owe you nothing.. and I was proud. Sometimes I worry that he kills himself and destroys his sanity by being so warm and friendly. People expect a lot because of it.
Anyway.
The worst part is that I do it to my friends. I hold unrealistic expectations for them. While I don’t expect them to be perfect in a general sense, I expect them to be perfect when it comes to me; knowing how to respond and what to say, when to speak up and when to stay silent. I am disappointed by their inability to not be who I’ve dreamed them to be, and so I miss out on who they actually are. Coming to friendships with expectations of what kind of person they should be is a recipe for disappointment, disaster and destroyed relationships.
My eyes need to be clear and open so I can see who my friends are in truth. I need to wipe away the slime of unrealistic expectations and fully embrace the beauty in the conflict of unpredictable friends. Easier said than done, I guess.
{020/365} cuz yolo.2
27th August 2012 | 365 | 2 comments
Yesterday we went to visit my grandmother in the hospital. When we got there, my aunt was upset and said she was on her way out. In the room, we saw my grandma sitting in a trance, not saying anything. She snapped out if it and got back to talking. She told me I look beautiful in orange and told me to consider being an LPN. But something she told me reminded me of something I’d already decided a few years ago.
She told me to make sure I had stories.
Last night I walked around downtown Vancouver, listening to music from the Wine & Jazz Fest and then listening to John Mayer while I sat in the dark, listening to the wind and the water of the Columbia River. I tried to write things down, but couldn’t find the energy to. So I sat and I exchanged text messages with Bee and enjoyed a soy caramel latte.
I couldn’t sleep. At 11, 11:30, 12:45, 1:20 or 2:55. I finally made it to bed at 4:05 am. My brain just wouldn’t stop. Though I hadn’t actually listened to it all day, I found myself humming a line from a John Mayer song while I was driving home.
Am I living it right?
and well?
and intentionally?
and with the realization that I am the only me there is, and with that comes a huge responsibility to live life intentionally.
Whenever I get to deliver the wakeup call at camp, I say it like this:
Today is Monday, August 27th, 2012. It is the only Monday, August 27th, 2012 you will ever experience. So get out of bed and get living Monday, August 27th, 2012.
And sometimes I am like that. Sometimes I wake up and I YOLO all day long. Last night I felt like that, shivering in the cold breeze of the River. It just comes naturally sometimes. Intentional living doesn’t just happen, though. If you want to make sure you have stories, you can’t stroll through life oblivious of the people and situations around you. Opportunity doesn’t always come up and present itself with a big punch in the face. Often it sits under rocks and high in trees and in caves and you’ve gotta explore. The deeper you explore, the fuller your stories.
For the past few weeks I’ve been watching a scar develop on my leg. From the moment it happened, I said “I hope this scars. Because I want for someone to ask me how it happened, and I’d say ‘well first I need to tell you why I was drinking coffee from Jack in the Box in Braden’s car at 6 am.’” Stories grow out of other stories which have come from other stories. It’s like inception, maybe. I don’t really know because I never fully understood that movie.
So I dare you to say yes to something new, to listen more carefully, to laugh louder, to take a risk and to really fully grasp that your time on earth will expire. Hopefully we’ll all have many more days, but since you never know it’s not a bad idea to start right now.
{05.23.12} wordless wednesday [002]
23rd May 2012 | music | 1 comment
march 10th, 2012 – the love i give, returned to me.
10th March 2012 | everyday life | 1 comment
john mayer – continuum
yesterday morning, i woke up with a mission. after putting my glasses on {because really, i’m not awake until i can see clearly} i pulled out my record collection and excitedly put one of my favorites on. and i walked around feeling this strange right-ness with the world. a few hours later i decided to “catch up on the internet,” when i read this. john mayer is on an indefinite break from live performing.
but before i can tell you why this is hitting me hard, i need to let you know about some stuff that i’ve been thinking about lately. exhibits c, b & a.
exhibit b: otis redding. i also LOVE otis redding. and about a month ago i was listening to hanson’s song “been there before.” some of the lyrics are about otis: “the young man sitting on the dock of the bay, he took a long-term trip on a first class plane. now the whole world listens to that one man’s song.” and suddenly it hit me, that otis redding was a real person who really lived and really sang and then he died, without being one of those old guys that play at the grammys and the young kids are like “boooo-ringggg.” he didn’t get that.
exhibit c: harry chapin. my mom’s favorite, that i inherited. harry chapin died before i was even born, but my mom loved him.. loved him how i love some musicians. she saw him 5 times and even met him, a piece of information that stirs in my heart so much understanding. i found this harry chapin dvd at the thrift store and bought it for my mom. we watched some of it together and i could feel the emotion radiating out of my mom. her favorite musician, who never made new songs. who never went through life and adulthood with her. always frozen in time in that moment.
there could also be exhibit d, michael jackson. exhibit e, jeff buckley.
but i have recently developed this strong, sometimes tear-inducing fear of my favorite musicians dying. i remember with painful clarity the very moment i heard about michael jackson’s death. but what happens when it’s dave barnes or marc broussard or taylor hanson or matt nathanson or stevie wonder or josh kelley or brandon heath or matt wertz or teitur or…. john mayer. that’s been one that’s just a hard one for me to think about. john mayer.
so the news of john’s indefinite break from live performing due to health reasons has hit me really hard. it’s scratching the surface of my fear. but i will tell you that although john mayer album releases are always emotional {see image below} but this one is gonna move me to my bones.
february 21st, 2012 – TWOsday.
21st February 2012 | TWOsday | 1 comment
simple. two things i love.
#1. john mayer
john recently released a snippet
of a new song, shadow days
from his new album, born and raised
{i realized it rhymed so i made that into a poem}
i like quotes. fact. and beyond quotes, i like lyrics. because lyrics are quotes with an easy way to remember them word for word. and the lyrics i like the most, have always liked the most, are john mayer’s. and probably the lyric i love the most, because it is constantly becoming more and more true:
if you wanna know the moment
i knew that i was still alone
i found i’d never learned your number
i only stored it in my phone.
~john mayer, tracing
yesterday anna, laurie and i went to the zoo. and it was kinda rainy and a little cold. and the moment i put on an oversized sweatshirt and sweat pants and sat down with a hot cup of almond tea, i felt like my soul sighed. my entire being just felt rested and safe and warm. and that is how i feel when i listen to john mayer. i feel rested, safe and warm. i have a playlist on itunes called “aaaa” {just so it will be at the top} and i often listen to it while laying in bed with the lights off and candles lit, staring at the stars on my ceiling. sometimes i cry and sometimes i just lay there and let myself feel safe in john mayer’s voice.
these are the songs on that playlist {which i always put on shuffled repeat, starting with free fallin}
- free fallin {live}
- stop this train {live}
- home life {live}
- quiet
- man on the side
- the heart of life {live}
- in your atmosphere {live}
- wheel
- tracing
- split screen sadness
- slow dancing in a burning room {village sessions acoustic version}
#2. sequins
i have ALWAYS loved shiny, glittery things. always. and you know what? i spent most of my childhood/adolescence taking dance classes, which meant i got to wear shiny, glittery things. exhibits a and b.
that’s me on the bottom left, with the sequins tap outfit. and me on the right with my shiny green shirt. we were the 7 dwarfs.
but lately i just think about sequins ALL. THE. TIME. and i see a pair of pants and go “i wish you had sequins all over you” or i contemplate wearing a dress and find myself apologizing for liking it less because it has no glitter.
and there’s a fairly good chance that i’ve spent countless hours over the past two weeks looking at online stores and adding lots of shine to my online shopping cart. unfortunately it will all stay in my online shopping cart and will never make it to my house. but maybe someone can teach me how to sew sequins on every piece of clothing i own.
january 29th, 2012 – loves Jesus and america, too.
29th January 2012 | 101 | 1 comment
guess what my current fave song is? if you guessed john mayer’s cover of free fallin, you are absolutely correct. don’t just take my word for it, either. look at what last.fm says about my most played track over the past month:
i seriously have been curling up under my blankets and watching the rain and listening to this song. i even have been laying on my bed with my head over the edge, watching raindrops fall up my window, a tradition usually only reserved for lover you should’ve come over by jeff buckley.
there is something about john mayer’s voice that slows me down when i am going too fast. so i have been listening to my quiet john mayer playlist.
it’s good to have something to keep my feet on the ground when i feel like i’m going crazy.
