That is a picture of me from about ten minutes ago. I found that piece of paper from many years ago. We were driving from Portland to Seattle to see a second day of Hanson. There were some girls in the car next to us that looked like they could be Hanson fans. So I ripped out a piece of paper from a notebook, made this sign and held it up to the window.

The girls in the other car got excited and started waving and confirming that they, indeed, were on their way to see Hanson.

So I found this paper, which was from years ago, and realized that I have this horrible habit of saving pieces of paper. I save everything. Important packaging from wrapping paper, strings used to tie gifts together, ticket stubs, doodles or notes or drawings.. and I always think “this would be great to journal!”

But guess what. Let me tell you the dates of my last ten journal entries.

June 18th, 2013 (today)
June 10th, 2013 (only to lament about a coconut oil spill in my bag)
June 3rd, 2013 (because I couldn’t find my Bible study notebook)
April 22, 2013 (on a plane)
April 21, 2013 (at the Birks)
April 5th, 2013 (after reading my California journal)
February 17, 2013 (at the Worship arts retreat)
February 16, 2013 (at the Worship arts retreat)
February 15, 2013  (at the Worship arts retreat)
December 19, 2012 (to document a piece of wrapping paper and a Starbucks sticker)

TEN ENTRIES in six months. No wonder my little scrap pieces of paper tucked into everything collection is getting bad.

Then I thought about how I haven’t really blogged lately. or done anything, really.

My time at home has been spent sitting in my bathroom crying or sleeping, because I just hate calendars and phone calls and text messages and TIME. It’s killing me.

This morning I woke up at 5:30. My mom asked why I woke up so early and I said “I have no idea.” and I don’t. My body let me get four and a half hours of sleep, as if my body is worried it will sleep away valuable hours. So I read a little bit of The Summer of the Great Grandmother (this summer’s Madeleine L’Engle book) and cleaned and laid in bed, rubbing my feet together as if warmer toes were what I needed to get out of bed.

Now I have a cup of coffee in my system, warm toes, a journal entry, and this blog entry. I’d love to stay and write some more but time keeps on ticking into the future and I am going to get breakfast with Anna.

FELLOW THREADS debuted their summer line, Roadtripping, on May 30th (my birthday!!!) and I love pretty much every single piece of it. My first purchase (because there will be a few more by the end of the summer…) was this shirt:

“Life is either a great adventure or nothing.”

Fellow Threads just gets it.

I’m struggling.

With what?

I have no clue.

My spirit just feels troubled. and I’m not looking for solutions or anything, I’m just saying that. As I look back on the haphazard month that was May, I see how much I let my unrest affect the structuring of my time. When I made this list in December, I only worked 3 days a week and had plenty of time to work with. Now that I’m here in these moments, I don’t have all of the time or wiggle room that I had anticipated half a year ago. So I am trying to extend grace to myself. It’s always hardest to take grace from myself.

Of all the things I did, only one resulted in a picture which is alright because it’s the only one that required a picture.

My monthly picture of myself, taken with a heavy heart as I was getting ready to leave the happiest place on earth. Again with the crew neck sweatshirts.

Aside from that, I’ll be honest about what I accomplished…

• Take a picture of 101 things that make me happy
  (I didn’t finish it, but I’m going to keep going until it’s done)
• Paint my desk {the weather should be starting to cooperate!}
• Bury a time capsule.
• Go rollerskating. Maybe you should have a Golden Skate birthday party, because those were awesome in middle school.
  (I attempted, but the skating rink was closed)

PROGRESS:

• Monthly self-portrait {5/12}
• Monthly flowers {5/12}
• Send 5 letters {69/101}
• Visit a far away friend – LOS ANGELES – {3/5}
• Take my parents out to lunch 10xs – it’s mother’s day + mom’s bday! go twice! {4/10}
• Monthly new recipe – whole wheat sesame noodles with spicy peanut sauce – {5/12}
• Document an ordinary day in pictures {4/10}
• 365!

…it’s interesting that I’m doing well at the slow progression goals (minus the 365, which I haven’t mustered up the courage to start… again) but it’s the one-time things that I struggle the most with. The list will roll over into June, as well as the few that were left over from April, and we’ll see what happens.

#56. walking down Main Street U.S.A.

#57. the lights of main street.

#58. my boy Simba in a parade.

#59. Paradise Pier at night

#60. The wonderful World of Color

#61. a stone at Disneyland that reminds me of a family I know and love.

#62. Disney at dusk

#63. Space Mountain with Glory

#64. The Disney spirit living on.

#65. a kitten on the plane.

#66. A new old keychain that I’ve been trying to find forever.

#67. Starbucks with my dad

#68. Watching Sarah read a note from Annie Downs.

PILGRIMS!

Finish this month and you’ll have lived HALF OF A YEAR intentionally. I believe in you. The plan is to go to Winston, OR May 31st/June 1st, which means that either yesterday or today you’re encountering an elephant. Hopefully they’ll let you give it a hug, and hopefully you’ll only cry a little bit.

Another month of non-daily challenge, but still needing discipline. You might want to recruit some people to join you on this one, okay?

June: Leave 101 encouraging post its. 

FINISHED

• Leave 101 encouraging post its
• Leave a $20 tip for a meal under $10
• Go camping

PROGRESS

• Monthly flowers {6/12}
• Monthly self-portrait {6/12}
• Monthly recipe – try this fruit salsa with cinnamon chips.. seems summery. {6/12}
• Send 5 letters {74/101}
• Fathers day + Dad’s bday = take parents out to lunch 10 xs {6/10}
• Visit 2 new coffeeshops {15/25}
• 365.. almost halfway there!

Seriously love banana bread. Especially when it’s chilled, and with walnuts. SO GOOD.

But recently I stopped eating gluten. Which meant no more Starbucks banana bread.  :( I don’t if you can hear my heart breaking from all the way over there… but it is still shattering when I think about it.

It didn’t mean, however, that I needed to stop eating banana bread all together. I just would have to…. make it.

and for the past month or so, I’ve been trying to make banana bread.

Key word: trying…

(that is a strawberry chocolate chip banana bread attempt)

Took a shower, picked out my clothes, brewed a pot of coffee, worked on a puzzle… and finally it was done!

Carefully took the bread out of the oven, toothpicked it to make sure it was done, and then went back to the puzzle.

Finally, two hours after I started, I sliced the first piece of bread. and for once… for once it was decent. No walnuts, but it was decent. I stood, sipping my coffee and slowly eating my banana bread and I realized that banana bread, like most anything I choose to look at with an open heart, teaches me about life.

There’s so much more to life than quick, easy and convenient. It is impossible to fully appreciate something you get immediately. Something about yearning makes the acquiring even sweeter, even if the bread is a little soggier than I’d like and is walnutless. It’s mine. I carefully measured the ingredients, mashed the bananas, poured the batter, and waited.

I am guilty of not living life like I’m trying to make a decent loaf of banana bread. I live life searching for the quick, easy and convenient.

But thanks to my quest to make the perfect loaf of banana bread, I am weekly being reminded to slow down, to wait, and to appreciate. Also to collaborate and listen. That’s a joke.

and please share any (gluten-free) banana bread recipes you’ve tried and love. PLEASE. I’m dying.

#33. packing my mouse ears.

#34. this cute little stir stick with a heart on the end that southwest airlines gave me with my tea.

#35. little pieces of me still left in California, like this handprint wreath I made with my girl Sofia when I tutored her.

#36. sleeping on this couch again, like the good ol days.

#37. this sparkly, magical “beyond cozy” essie nail polish.

#38. this store with all of these beautiful dresses.

#39. PARADISE PIER

#40. ducks. at disneyland.

#41. finally going on Mickey’s Fun Wheel!

#42. Disneyland.

#43. Flag lowering at Disneyland

#44. IN-N-OUT. yes please.

#45. mickey ears on the carpet of the hotel.

#46. watching the sun sink below the palm trees.

#47. Two words: SPACE. MOUNTAIN.

#48. my castle awaits.

#49. KISS THE GIRL. Ariel was my favorite princess when I was little.

#50. Disney details.

#51. palm trees + lights

#52. My favorite Disney entertainment. IDK, a handful of guys singing and dancing with Mickey Mouse…?

#53. STARBUCKS @ DISNEYLAND

#54. This super cute donkey at Disneyland.

“I rebel against death, yet I know that it is how I respond to death’s inevitability that is going to make me less or more fully alive.”

Then death came, and a wave of terror engulfed me, because I thought about when I wrote this post, and this post, and the three suicides,  accident,  mistake with an aerosol can, shooting and one stabbing I have encountered in the springs since 8th grade.

and as I flailed around, sometimes letting my frustration and hurt show, I was met with stupid Sunday school answers. You know what Sunday school answers are meant to do? They’re meant to shut you up. Seriously. Sunday School answers are the best way to end a conversation.

Me: I am frustrated at God because I prayed with full belief and assurance of his power, but he didn’t use it.
Person: oh he did, just not how you wanted.
Me: okay thanks.

Me: …so many people have died so young and tragic.
Person: God is in control.
Me: okay thanks.

Me: I just don’t know what to say.
Person: The Holy Spirit will tell you!
Me: okay thanks.

….do you see it? It doesn’t engage conversation, it doesn’t dive into mystery. All it does is remind me of things I believe without exploring the consequences of believing God is who he says he is.

Because here’s the thing. I know that one of my gifts is faith. I just believe, as surely as I believe that gravity is going to keep me on the earth. The existence of God is never a question for me, nor is his omnipotence, wisdom, love, etc. But that sometimes makes it EVEN HARDER. If God is all I believe he is, then you know what happens when I look at all of these tragic deaths?

I get terrified.

TERRIFIED.

Not necessarily of God, though sometimes that is the case. Usually it is because I don’t understand him. Because some of the things I passionately pray for are good. Then people say some stupid thing trying to make my prayers seem not goo. No, praying for healing is good. You know what is good? For someone who is young and senselessly stabbed to miraculously start talking again. That is good. Sunday school answers tell me that only God knows what is good. God knows what is BEST, but I still know good things. Things like people being healed. Because I know God can do that.

But he doesn’t always, and he didn’t this time.

and I need to wrestle with the God whose existence and goodness and power I am not questioning.

You know who didn’t give Sunday school answers? Jesus. People asked him questions and he didn’t Sunday school them. He asked them questions or told them stories, but either way he dove in. He rolled his sleeves up and got his hands dirty with the mud of their questions.

The best and most peaceful response I received was when Hilary reminded me that God’s ways are not ours. Ultimately, I stand on the Lord’s side, buying in to the motive of all he does – to save many souls – but I have to surrender my methods. My peace lies in the WILL of God and my turmoil, pain, frustration and nonunderstanding lies in the WAY of God.

and life.

is too short.

to end those conversations.

#19. finding a Bible tucked under my covers.

#20. sending someone I love stuff that I love.

#21. Katie.

#22. the most attractive Starbucks barista ever writing my name.

#23. making good use of an otherwise boring wall.

#24. these flowers.

#25. and this little tiny bridge

#26. discovering a little peace.

#27. ….finding peace next to a very busy street.

#28. …peace that came with a water fountain just when I never realized how thirsty I was.

#29. This bench shaped like a bunch of flowers.

#30. it looked like nature had a party and all its confetti got swept aside.

#31. Christian driving for YPL.

#14. Micah wanting to wear my sweatshirt.

#15. Smiley faces in the O’s of ZOO.

#16. random drawings on my Starbucks cup.

#17. Dinosaurs on every table.

#18. After a long talk with Bradley about love and what love looks like (or should look like), seeing this in a bathroom.