Seriously love banana bread. Especially when it’s chilled, and with walnuts. SO GOOD.

But recently I stopped eating gluten. Which meant no more Starbucks banana bread.  :( I don’t if you can hear my heart breaking from all the way over there… but it is still shattering when I think about it.

It didn’t mean, however, that I needed to stop eating banana bread all together. I just would have to…. make it.

and for the past month or so, I’ve been trying to make banana bread.

Key word: trying…

(that is a strawberry chocolate chip banana bread attempt)

This morning, I decided to make use of the 3 brown bananas on our kitchen counter and attempt, once again, to make banana bread. I put on my apron (this is no joke) and some tunes. Poured the batter. Stuck it in the oven… for an hour.

Took a shower, picked out my clothes, brewed a pot of coffee, worked on a puzzle… and finally it was done!

Carefully took the bread out of the oven, toothpicked it to make sure it was done, and then went back to the puzzle.

Finally, two hours after I started, I sliced the first piece of bread. and for once… for once it was decent. No walnuts, but it was decent. I stood, sipping my coffee and slowly eating my banana bread and I realized that banana bread, like most anything I choose to look at with an open heart, teaches me about life.

There’s so much more to life than quick, easy and convenient. It is impossible to fully appreciate something you get immediately. Something about yearning makes the acquiring even sweeter, even if the bread is a little soggier than I’d like and is walnutless. It’s mine. I carefully measured the ingredients, mashed the bananas, poured the batter, and waited.

I am guilty of not living life like I’m trying to make a decent loaf of banana bread. I live life searching for the quick, easy and convenient.

But thanks to my quest to make the perfect loaf of banana bread, I am weekly being reminded to slow down, to wait, and to appreciate. Also to collaborate and listen. That’s a joke.

and please share any (gluten-free) banana bread recipes you’ve tried and love. PLEASE. I’m dying.

#33. packing my mouse ears.

#34. this cute little stir stick with a heart on the end that southwest airlines gave me with my tea.

#35. little pieces of me still left in California, like this handprint wreath I made with my girl Sofia when I tutored her.

#36. sleeping on this couch again, like the good ol days.

#37. this sparkly, magical “beyond cozy” essie nail polish.

#38. this store with all of these beautiful dresses.

#39. PARADISE PIER

#40. ducks. at disneyland.

#41. finally going on Mickey’s Fun Wheel!

#42. Disneyland.

#43. Flag lowering at Disneyland

#44. IN-N-OUT. yes please.

#45. mickey ears on the carpet of the hotel.

#46. watching the sun sink below the palm trees.

#47. Two words: SPACE. MOUNTAIN.

#48. my castle awaits.

#49. KISS THE GIRL. Ariel was my favorite princess when I was little.

#50. Disney details.

#51. palm trees + lights

#52. My favorite Disney entertainment. IDK, a handful of guys singing and dancing with Mickey Mouse…?

#53. STARBUCKS @ DISNEYLAND

#54. This super cute donkey at Disneyland.

“I rebel against death, yet I know that it is how I respond to death’s inevitability that is going to make me less or more fully alive.”

Then death came, and a wave of terror engulfed me, because I thought about when I wrote this post, and this post, and the three suicides,  accident,  mistake with an aerosol can, shooting and one stabbing I have encountered in the springs since 8th grade.

and as I flailed around, sometimes letting my frustration and hurt show, I was met with stupid Sunday school answers. You know what Sunday school answers are meant to do? They’re meant to shut you up. Seriously. Sunday School answers are the best way to end a conversation.

Me: I am frustrated at God because I prayed with full belief and assurance of his power, but he didn’t use it.
Person: oh he did, just not how you wanted.
Me: okay thanks.

Me: …so many people have died so young and tragic.
Person: God is in control.
Me: okay thanks.

Me: I just don’t know what to say.
Person: The Holy Spirit will tell you!
Me: okay thanks.

….do you see it? It doesn’t engage conversation, it doesn’t dive into mystery. All it does is remind me of things I believe without exploring the consequences of believing God is who he says he is.

Because here’s the thing. I know that one of my gifts is faith. I just believe, as surely as I believe that gravity is going to keep me on the earth. The existence of God is never a question for me, nor is his omnipotence, wisdom, love, etc. But that sometimes makes it EVEN HARDER. If God is all I believe he is, then you know what happens when I look at all of these tragic deaths?

I get terrified.

TERRIFIED.

Not necessarily of God, though sometimes that is the case. Usually it is because I don’t understand him. Because some of the things I passionately pray for are good. Then people say some stupid thing trying to make my prayers seem not goo. No, praying for healing is good. You know what is good? For someone who is young and senselessly stabbed to miraculously start talking again. That is good. Sunday school answers tell me that only God knows what is good. God knows what is BEST, but I still know good things. Things like people being healed. Because I know God can do that.

But he doesn’t always, and he didn’t this time.

and I need to wrestle with the God whose existence and goodness and power I am not questioning.

You know who didn’t give Sunday school answers? Jesus. People asked him questions and he didn’t Sunday school them. He asked them questions or told them stories, but either way he dove in. He rolled his sleeves up and got his hands dirty with the mud of their questions.

The best and most peaceful response I received was when Hilary reminded me that God’s ways are not ours. Ultimately, I stand on the Lord’s side, buying in to the motive of all he does – to save many souls – but I have to surrender my methods. My peace lies in the WILL of God and my turmoil, pain, frustration and nonunderstanding lies in the WAY of God.

and life.

is too short.

to end those conversations.

#19. finding a Bible tucked under my covers.

#20. sending someone I love stuff that I love.

#21. Katie.

#22. the most attractive Starbucks barista ever writing my name.

#23. making good use of an otherwise boring wall.

#24. these flowers.

#25. and this little tiny bridge

#26. discovering a little peace.

#27. ….finding peace next to a very busy street.

#28. …peace that came with a water fountain just when I never realized how thirsty I was.

#29. This bench shaped like a bunch of flowers.

#30. it looked like nature had a party and all its confetti got swept aside.

#31. Christian driving for YPL.

#14. Micah wanting to wear my sweatshirt.

#15. Smiley faces in the O’s of ZOO.

#16. random drawings on my Starbucks cup.

#17. Dinosaurs on every table.

#18. After a long talk with Bradley about love and what love looks like (or should look like), seeing this in a bathroom.

#1. Lunch at the zoo with Micah

#2. Getting a super awesome parking spot at the zoo on a busy day.

#3. picking flowers.

#4. My Pura Vida phone cover

#5. Driving over this bridge via Germantown.

#6. This lovely flower it seemed they put out at Stumptown just for me.

#7. Making a new Canadian friend. JK, it actually terrified me the closer I got.

#8. TWO pieces of mail from Pura Vida.

#9. A free Pura Vida bracelet!

#10. This beautiful, giant rose.

#11. This awesome bird.

#12. Stopping with my friends to pet dogs.

#21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Joyful simpleton, undoubtedly. The nature of being a worried genius sounds unhappy, and it’s not that life always needs to be happy but I’d rather be sustained by joy than burdened by worry.

#22. Why are you, you?
Man. So what makes me Stephanie A. Orefice and not some other person? I guess the conflict I feel. If there was one word to describe the inner workings of myself, I’d have to say tension. I love glitter, sparkles, flowers, rainbows, sunshine, wind in my hair, ocean at my toes… but I feel so deeply grieved most of the time, not just by people in my life but for them. I don’t know if people really realize the war that rages on inside of me at any given time, but I think that is a key factor in why I am who I am.

#23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Yes. Sometimes I talk more than I would like other people to, but that’s probably it. Aside from that I think I give my friends what I’d hope they will or perhaps one day will give back. The only part is the talking part. Sigh. I talk so much.

#24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
The latter. Most of my best friends live nowhere near me, and I know that distance can’t actually destroy the truth of real, lifelong love and friendship. Losing touch with someone who lives near you means something has changed or been unresolved or something. That breaks my heart more than a good friend moving away, because most of my good friends haven’t lived close enough to experience that heartbreak.

#25. What are you most grateful for?
The love of Christ; not just his love for me, but the love I can share with others and they can give me all through him. It kind of swirls around all aspects of life once it seeps in, and I’m so blessed because of that.

 1. Prayed for someone I didn’t like every day for the month of April

2. Made a map of everywhere I’ve been

3. Bought flowers for my room

4. sent Brittany a care package

5. sent 5 pieces of mail

6. visited 2 new coffeeshops

7. took a self portrait

{I am wearing the same sweatshirt and kind of making the same pose as last month’s picture, and that was unintentional}

8. tried a new recipe

{Gluten free banana chocolate chip cookies because this is also the month I took gluten out of my diet}

Remember that person you prayed for EVERY DAY last month? Write them a letter. Right now. Go do it. Once you have finished, pull out that unopened letter from April 1 and read it. Has anything changed… like your heart?

This month’s challenge isn’t necessarily daily, but don’t get lazy. Take a picture of 101 things that make you happy. It’s your birthday. Celebrate the life you live and the parts of your life that bring you extreme joy. Here’s a hint: you SHOULD be going to the Wildlife Safari to encounter an elephant, so there’s an easy picture. Want another easy one? You should be going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Happiest place on earth, so there should be a bunch of easy ones there. Just keep your eyes open.

May: Take a picture of 101 things that make me happy.

FINISHED:

• Take a picture of 101 things that make me happy
• Paint my desk {the weather should be starting to cooperate!}
• Bury a time capsule.
• Go rollerskating. Maybe you should have a Golden Skate birthday party, because those were awesome in middle school.

PROGRESS:

• Monthly self-portrait {5/12}
• Monthly flowers {5/12}
• Send 5 letters {69/101}
• Visit a far away friend – LOS ANGELES – {3/5}
• Take my parents out to lunch 10xs – it’s mother’s day + mom’s bday! go twice! {4/10}
• Monthly new recipe – whole wheat sesame noodles with spicy peanut sauce – {5/12}
• Document an ordinary day in pictures {4/10}
• 365!