Wheel

One of my all-time favorite John Mayer songs is a song called “Wheel.” It’s kind of about the way life is full of comings and goings, ups and downs, hellos and goodbyes. The repeating line is “that’s the way this wheel keeps working.”

I’ve kind of gone radio silent in talking about the whole storm that blew through my life. It’s not that I have nothing to say about it, it’s that I have ALL THE THINGS to say about it and I can’t really organize it in any logical collection of words, so I’m sparing all of you.

However. Let me just say this.

There was this kind of passive implication delivered to me that I needed to stay away from the coffee shop owned by the boy who was kind of careless. and for awhile I acknowledged it to a HUGE extreme… we’re talking I would go 25 minutes out of my way so I wouldn’t even drive by on the off chance he looked out the window and saw me at the light by his business. and there was this combination of Sarah Jane telling me LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT GET THE DAMN MOCHA and Lorrie telling me that I was killing myself for small details he wouldn’t ever notice, and I said.. you know what, screw it. I want the freaking mocha.

So I’ve been going back.. not at all as frequently as I used to, but I only go on days when my end goal is my mocha. and I’ve had to see him a handful of times, which has been okay and really helpful for me, especially as I’ve felt more and more comfortable to go back to being myself. I’m going to be me.

Recently I got my normal delicious mocha and he made it, and I didn’t worry he had spit in it or something. I felt pretty good about it, actually… like… yeah, I’m going to be me and it feels good to be unapologetically me, and my life is going on alright.

Then.

I got to work.

My denomination is kind of weird. It’s really closely knit and everyone’s connected. The summer camp director at the camp I work at shares 463 mutual friends with me and I feel like that’s an abnormally high number. Anyway. It’s a small world within my denomination.

Back to this situation, at my work.

My pastor came in and decided to give me a heads up that my high school/first boyfriend’s parents would be coming to our church to assess our child safety protocol. Which largely falls within my job.

Good thing I had my mocha on me, right?

// stephanieorefice.net

#mylife.

But here’s the thing.

I’ve survived it all, heart in tact. Not only am I still alive (that reminds me of a song), but I’m still vulnerable and hopeful and completely content with where I’m at. I can drink a mocha with an extra shot of bravery while hearing the mom of the person I learned to love with talk about her grandchildren, and I can do it with grace and gentleness and still sneak away to send my friends that picture because it is kind of funny.

and you know that Wheel song? That’s about hellos and goodbyes? The last words of the song are this:

I believe that my life’s gonna see
the love I give returned to me.

Wheel by John Mayer // stephanieorefice.netavailable as a downloadable print on my Etsy store
(use coupon code BRAVEMOCHA for 60% off this and all prints)

 

and with that…. I’ll drop the mic. 

 


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September 2, 2015
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  • I don’t think I’ve heard that song, but I like John Mayer and I LOVE that quote! Gonna have to go listen. And consider buying that print from you… And you’re definitely brave and strong for being able to face people from your past like that!

    • oh gosh. that song will hit you right in the feely parts. haha. thanks <3 i guess there's not really much of another option, you know? 🙂

  • Aw man I can’t even imagine having to go through what you did and still have to see him 🙁 I move too often to ever have to see ex’s. However, my church is also extremely close-knit and small world type of action so I can relate on that note. Proud of you for getting that mocha and being you and knowing you;ll be ok in the process ;D

    • aw yeah!!! thanks. i guess to some extent i’m totally choosing to still see him, but it doesn’t feel like much of a choice because to avoid him is to diminish my desires, if that makes sense? i want that mocha. ;D also ;D is my fave non emoji emoticon.

  • you are such a brave soul!!! but there is something so freeing about being able to be yourself in any & all situations 🙂

    i recently saw my highschool ex (we dated for 2 years, and then had a horrible breakup like a decade ago) when i was coming out of starbucks. i noticed him but just kinda kept walking & i don’t think he even ever saw me in the crowd… but it kinda struck me as odd that i didn’t really feel anything. i thought i’d feel mad, sad, whatever if i ever saw him again. but i didn’t really feel anything & that made me so happy b/c it’s no longer affecting me! 🙂

    • <3 <3 <3 AMEN to the statement about being yourself in any & all situations!!!

      time does heal wounds, huh? we just need to stop picking at scabs ;D

      • if only picking at scabs wasn’t so tempting sometimes!!! 🙂

  • Good job! At some point, you have to get the damn mocha. It’s great to be OK where you are.

    • yes! <3 life's for sure too short ;D